


I Carry Your Heart

by scifishipper



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Community: leeadama_daily, F/M, Forgiveness, Grief/Mourning, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-26
Updated: 2011-10-26
Packaged: 2017-10-24 23:26:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/269088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scifishipper/pseuds/scifishipper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Lee Adama loses his family in the attacks, moving on is harder than he expects. Pre-Series and Season 1+ AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Carry Your Heart

**Author's Note:**

> **Warnings:** Canon-compliant deaths, mention of child death

**PROLOGUE**  


_Two Years Before The Fall_

_Bill Adama’s body is taut with barely contained anger, his mouth pulled down into a disapproving frown. “You shouldn’t be getting married, Lee. There are other ways to support a child and getting married is not the answer.”_

_“Maybe not for you, Dad, but I’m not you. I’m not abandoning my child for a career in the military.”_

_“You’re only twenty-five years old. You are too young,” Bill counters, his tone sharpening._

_“I’m doing what I need to do.” Lee had expected this argument, but it’s still brutal, every nerve in his body is alive and aware and ready for the fight._

_“Marrying that woman is not necessary.” It’s taken a few minutes longer than Lee expected for his father to insult Gianne and he almost laughs at the accuracy of his predictions. He sees where it’s going and wonders why he even bothered._

_Nonetheless, Lee tries to keep the even tone that years of practice have enabled. “That woman’s name is Gianne and I am doing what is right.”_

_“What about flying vipers, how are you going to manage that? It’s a demanding job, Lee. Long missions, runs on a battlestar, first line of defense during a war. How are you going to be a full time dad with those other responsibilities?” His father’s words are nothing he hasn’t already thought about and Lee just stares at the Old Man, watching him grasping at straws. If he wasn’t so angry, it’d be pathetic, an old man wanting to continue his glory days through his only kid._

_“I won’t be flying vipers any more. I’ve switched to raptors. Commander Prescott already approved it. I’m going to stay on Caprica, do donut runs, and be a father to the baby.”_

_His father’s eyes grow wide and he begins to pace. When he stops and turns to Lee, he has a wild expression, as if he knows there’s nothing he can do and he’s left to lecturing._

_“Lee, you graduated at the top of your class, you’re one of the best viper pilots in the Fleet and you’re getting a post on the Atlantia. How can you do this? It’s godsdamned unbelievable.” Bill resumes his charged movements on the sidewalk, shaking his head in disbelief and clenching his fists hard against his sides. “I can’t believe you are giving up vipers. After everything.”_

_Lee speaks tightly. “I don’t care, Dad. Being a viper pilot was your dream, I just happen to be good at it. I’m fine with flying raptors. That’s not the most important thing right now. You need to get that through your head.” He leans towards his father, urgency pushing his words._

_“You’re making another stupid decision.” His father’s face is mottled with rage._

_“Well, you have no frakking idea how hard it was to make this decision – what I had to give up.” Lee’s anger spikes now, sharpening the words as he speaks. Thoughts of_ her _flash briefly in his mind, but he pushes them away. He’s made his decision._

_His father spins around, planting his feet firmly and speaking close to Lee’s face. His tone is all military, barking an order as a last ditch attempt to get obedience._

_“You are my only son and I will not have you ruin your life this way.” Bits of spittle fly into Lee’s face, but he holds his ground, facing his father with the force of his convictions. Bill’s eyes bore holes into Lee’s, unflinching and filled with anger of someone who can’t stand to lose._

_A long moment passes and Lee finally looks away, suddenly tired from the battle. One of many._

_Lee doesn’t want to end this in rage, though. He drops his voice lower, making a final entreaty. “I’m sorry to disappoint you again, Dad, but I need to do this. I want you to unders—“_

_“You are making a mistake!” Bill’s voice booms, rising to overpower his son’s._

_Lee clamps his lips closed and shakes his head. He gives his father one last look, more disappointment and defeat than anger. “Then I guess I am.”_

_Lee walks away and doesn’t look back._

 

  
**PART ONE: I AM NEVER WITHOUT IT**   


The floor of the apartment is littered with toys, bright colorful animals with happy expressions and big eyes. A hard block sticks in Lee’s side as he lifts the eighteen-month-old Eleni over his head, wiggling her into the air and grinning as she giggles, her high-pitched squeal filling the room. When he brings her down to sit on his chest, she’s smiling, her new teeth poking out of pink gums and drool making a trail down her face and onto her already half-soaked bib.

“Daddy’s leaving for a few days, baby. When I come back we’ll go to the park, okay?” He knows she doesn’t really understand, but he tells her anyway. He tells her everything – about the sights as they walk, the way things are made, the history of their civilization – more than she could ever possibly understand, but he needs to do it. All that he missed as a child, the steady companionship of a father, pushes him to give her what he didn’t have.

Lee rolls over onto his side and topples the baby carefully, her still chubby fingers reaching for a soft rubber toy as he drops her down beside him. She’s still got flecks of cereal in her hair and her cheeks are a bit rosy from the heat of the room. He stands and flicks on the air conditioner. The end of spring brings rain and humidity to Caprica City, coating it in a veil of mist in the mornings that burns off by midday but leaves a sticky heat.

“Mommy will be back in a few minutes and then I’ll have to go.” He sits down next to the blonde toddler and gives her another toy. “I’m going to see your grandfather, the famous William Adama. I haven’t seen him in a long time, not since before you were born.” He touches her head, patting it affectionately.

“He and I don’t get along, you see, so I’m not sure how it’s going to go.” The sing-song rhythm of his voice doesn’t match the emotions or the words as he continues to talk. “I’ll be flying up to a battlestar. Do you remember what a battlestar is?”

Lee leans far to his left and pulls a children’s Colonial Fleet picture book off a shelf. He flips through the pages until he finds a crayon-marked photo of the battlestar Demetri, long-since decommissioned. “This is the same class as the Galactica, the big ship where my father lives. He’s the boss of the ship and he loves to order people around.” Lee smiles at his own jab and then mentally scolds himself for badmouthing his father. “But he’s a good man, baby, just doesn’t have his priorities straight.”

Eleni plays with the book happily, until she gets a handhold on one of the pages and begins to pull. Lee carefully unwraps her fingers from around the page and smoothes it out. The toddler lets out a shout of protest, reaching for the book as he pulls it away. “Hey, now, none of that. Can’t tear the pages, baby.” He slides the book back onto the high shelf and turns his attention back to the toddler who is already half way across the room with another toy in her mouth. He smiles and leans back against the edge of the sofa, just watching and enjoying her.

The front door lock snicks open and Gianne walks through with two bags of groceries. She waves and drops the bags onto the tiled kitchen floor.

“Hey guys! What are you two doing?” Her tone is bright and she smiles affectionately at her daughter, eyes briefly settling on Lee as she lays her purse and keys onto the table.

“I was just telling Leni about her grandfather.”

“Is that right?” Her voice also takes on the sing-song happiness of the words spoken to a child, belying their real meaning. She sits on the sofa and scoops up her daughter, pulling her into her lap.

“When will you be back?” Gianne’s tone is flat, a bit of their previous arguments tingeing the edges of her words.

“Two days, maybe three. Depends how it goes.” Lee stands, brushing off his uniform pants and pulling his jacket from the dining room chair.

“Okay.” She’s focused on Eleni, holding the girl’s thick arms in her hands and clapping them together. The toddler giggles and squirms happily.

Lee feels the dismissal and shrugs on his jacket, leaving it unbuttoned as he gathers his bag. He’s heading from Caprica Station to the Atlantia and then to Galactica for her decommissioning ceremony.

He stares at the side of Gianne’s face, her usually sharp features softening as she cuddles their daughter. “You know I really don’t want to go. I wouldn’t, if it wasn’t ordered by Commander Prescott. He’s an old friend of dad’s. It’s all for show, but I can’t get out of it.”

Gianne sighs without looking at him. “I know, Lee. It’s always something…” Her words trail off, but her meaning is clear enough.

“Look, Gi, I’m doing my best, okay?” They’ve had this argument a thousand times, too, and it always goes the same way.

Gianne ignores his words and continues to focus on her daughter, settling her down into a bouncy seat and walking past Lee to put away the groceries. Lee stares after her for a long moment and then turns his attention to Eleni. He kneels down and kisses her forehead. “I’ll see you in a couple of days, okay, baby. Love you.” The little girl is engrossed in one of the brightly colored toys as he stands and turns away.

He reaches to door and looks over to Gianne. “I’ll see you in a few days.”

“Bye, Lee.” She glances at him and looks away, busying herself with washing grapes in the sink.

“Bye,” he says, his mouth flattening into a line. With one last glance at Eleni, happily bouncing in the play center, he calls out a final goodbye and leaves.

:: :: ::

Lee pulls at the neck of his flightsuit as he does his pre-flight checks, irritated by the tightness of the collar. He taps the handheld and makes the final marks to clear the bird. He has one passenger along for the ride, a sandy-haired lieutenant who is transferring from Caprica Station to the Atlantia to serve as a communications officer. He seems nervous, sliding his hands along the tops of his thighs to soothe himself. Lee looks back.

“First time in space?” Lee asks.

“No, but I’m not a good flyer. I get sick.” The man fixes Lee with an intense stare, his blue eyes looking pained under a rather heavy brow.

Lee groans to himself, but maintains his placid expression. “You’ll be fine,” he encourages. “But there’s a sick bag under the seat. I’ll try to give you a smooth ride.”

“Thanks.” The man shifts around behind Lee and he hears the crinkle of the bag just before he puts his helmet.

He closes the raptor hatch, gets cleared for launch and eases the ship off the tarmac before lifting smoothly into the air. His passenger is still and Lee focuses on the task at hand, heading west over the ocean before he tilts his nose up hard to speed towards space.

“We’re about to hit normal atmospheric turbulence,” Lee announces over the comm. “Check your belt.”

Lee accelerates gently, pushing through Caprica’s atmosphere. If he were alone, he’d push harder, but he doesn’t really want to clean puke off the decking.

They break atmo and there’s a rush of calm as the ship eases into open space and farther from the gravitation pull of Caprica. It makes Lee feel lighter and helps release the pressure of his daily life, the endless arguments with Gianne about how he manages his time, and the mind-numbing boredom of his post. With a guilty thought, he reminds himself that it was all worth it; Eleni makes him feel happier than he’s ever been.

With his usual practiced ease, he nudges the sour thoughts out of his mind and flies uneventfully towards Atlantia.

“Atlantia. Apollo. Raptor 11726 requesting clearance.”

“Raptor 11726, checkers green. Portside hangar bay, engage auto landing on your mark.” The LSO’s voice sounds in his headset.

“Copy that, Atlantia. Engaging auto sequence. Mark.” Lee eases off the stick and feels the autolander take control of the bird. He takes in every detail as his ship is guided into the bay, touching down with a heavy thud.

“Raptor 11726, maglocks secure. Welcome aboard, Apollo.”

Lee releases the raptor’s hatch and takes off his helmet before sliding out of the cockpit. His passenger looks none the worse for wear and steps out of the bird just ahead of him. An ensign a salutes Lee and gives him instructions to the passenger waiting area off the hangar deck. Lee stretches and hits the head. In an hour he’ll be on his way to Galactica.

:: :: ::

Lee shifts in the seat of the viper, feeling strangely claustrophobic after so long flying raptors. He slides the canopy overhead and feels the tug of the deck crew maneuvering his bird into the launch tube of the Battlestar Atlantia. Lee’s heart pounds as he anticipates launch. It’s been six months since he flew a viper to pass his levels to stay qualified to fly. He’s not sure why he’s still qualified, maybe he misses it, maybe it’s the one thing that keeps him connected to _her._

“Viper 4844, you’re cleared for launch.” Lee tightens his hand on the stick and takes a breath. He initiates the launch sequence and seconds later, he’s being hurtled through the tubes and into open space. He kicks in the thrusters and grins wide, loving the press of Gs against his body and the feel of freedom in the air. It’s such a rush that every single time, for just a split second, he thinks this is where he belongs. He ignores the flicker in his mind telling him that this is where he _almost_ belonged.

“Atlantia. Apollo. I’m clear of the tube and making for a bearing of 625, carom 44.”

“Roger that, Apollo. Atlantia out.”

His smile lingers for a long time as he speeds towards the aged Galactica, an eye on his heading as he takes in the beauty of the stars and Caprica out his portside window. The peace of flying alone is another thing he misses, the sensation that you are in total control, life or death, just your own senses and your hand the stick. Raptors are fine, powerful but clunky machines that are well-suited for their purpose. More often than not he’s been shuttling people back and forth between Caprica and Gemenon, but it’s flying and he shouldn’t complain.

As Lee approaches Galactica, he takes a breath to calm his racing pulse. It’s been two years since he’s seen the Old Man, a lifetime ago as far as he’s concerned. Attending the decommissioning ceremony is not something he wants to do, but as usual where his father is concerned, he has little choice.

:: :: ::

_Caprica City South_

_Lee has been waiting for his old Academy buddy for almost an hour. The loud booming music of the Last Viper Bar is causing an ache in the back of his head and when his watch says hour exactly after the time they were supposed to meet, he’s had enough. He waves the bartender over and stands, ready to pay his tab and leave._

_“Going somewhere?” A woman’s voice sounds behind him, sure and strong and he turns around, surprised. It’s a striking blonde with wide set hazel eyes and a big open smile._

_Lee smiles back politely, shifting away from his stool. “Yeah. You want my seat?” He turns back towards the bar and tosses a few cubits on the tab._

_“Not exactly. Saw you sitting here alone and that’s no good.” Her eyes are sparkling with humor and appreciation as she looks him up and down._

_Lee blushes despite himself and smiles. “I’ve been stood up and I’m getting ready to call it a night.”_

_“Not by a woman, I hope?” Her expression tells him she’s doubtful._

_He chuckles. “No. An old friend that I was expecting, oh, about an hour ago.” He appreciates her approval, but he’s not quite sure he’s ready to start even thinking about another woman so soon after his break up with Gianne._

_“Well, now you have a new friend and someone else who’s been ditched. Helo, my jerk-off friend just ditched me and left me without transport. Let’s badmouth them together.” Kara slides past him to sit on the stool he’s just vacated, tapping a cubit loudly on the bar to get the bartender’s attention. Lee watches her with fascination as she flirts with the bartender and he wonders what he’s gotten himself into._

_“Two Ricardo Flyers. Hot.” She grins and turns back to him, her knees brushing his thigh as she spins around on the stool. “You’ll love these.”_

_“Thanks,” he says. His eyes flicker from her face to her breasts, straining against the silky gray fabric of her low cut top. She chuckles and his eyes snap to hers._

_“So, you’re a pilot?”_

_Her question dampens his interest. “Yeah,” he mutters, looking away, annoyed that that he’d worn his flight jacket to a bar. More often than not, the women he meets are more interested in the wings on his uniform than what was inside it._

_“Well don’t be shy about it,” she says, drawing his attention back. Her tone is teasing and she turns away to grab to two reddish drinks, handing one to him before raising her glass. “Bottoms up, Sir.” There’s something in her tone that catches his attention, a formality to the word 'sir' that makes him think she might be military, too._

_He lifts the corner of his mouth and tosses it back._

_The concoction is acidic and alcohol-heavy, with a sharp bite at the back of his throat. He grimaces. “What the hell is in that?” He nearly chokes, but manages to swallow away the liquid._

_“Ricardo pepper sauce. It’s a Ricardo Flyer. Hard on the gut, but does the trick. You like?” She grins and gulps down her drink, giving her head a good shake when she finishes._

_Lee’s eyebrows go up before he answers. “Like would be a strong word. You seem to.”_

_“Good stuff.” She grins at him, easing herself against the back of the stool, her well-toned arm draped casually along the edge of the bar. “So aside from your friend, what brings you here? I’ve been here the past few nights and you’re not a regular.”_

_Lee looks around again, taking in the throng of uniformed men and women drinking and laughing. “No, bars aren’t my thing.” Sometimes he wishes they were, the easy chatting and friendly banter something he’s not as comfortable with as he’d like._

_“Well, tonight they are. You buy the next round,” she says, tapping her finger against his chest and looking at him through slightly hooded eyes._

_There’s something open and genuine about her that fascinates him – so different from some of the other women in his life._ His mother. Gianne. _He pushes those thoughts away and decides to just go with it. “All right. How about something a little less, um, painful.” She laughs at that and rolls her eyes._

_Kara extends her hand to him. “My name’s Kara.”_

_Lee clasps it in his. “Lee.” He slides his thumb over the soft top of her hand and their eyes hold for a long moment. Lee breaks away and waves to the bartender. He feels her eyes lingering on his face._

_They order that drink and another and before Lee realizes it, he’s having fun and laughing with her about military exploits. He’s surprised to find out she’s at the Academy, expecting instead to hear that she’s at Caprica Arts or living in an warehouse apartment somewhere in the Balinzza District. Later, when the bar starts to thin out, they get a bottle of ambrosia and find a table in the back, away from the loud music and then the talking begins in earnest._

_He’s also surprised that she’s a good listener, her eyes steady on him, joking and teasing like she’s known him forever. He’s completely enthralled._

_“I ship out in two weeks to the Atlantia,” Lee tells her. “It’ll be my first off-world post. I’ve been working in viper design for the last year and I can’t wait to test out some of the new tech. Should be there about three months and then back here.”_

_“Atlantia is Commander Meyers, right? Heard she’s tough.”_

_“Yeah, but can’t be any tougher than my dad.”_

_“He’s military?” she asks and Lee frowns, realizing that she doesn’t know._

_He stares into his glass. “My last name is Adama.”_

_Kara thinks for a moment and then her eyes brighten. “Oh, Commander Adama? He’s a war hero, right?”_

_Lee gives a wry smile and a nod and takes a drink. The last thing he wants to think about is the wonderful Bill Adama._

_“My mom’s military, too. A Sergeant Major, served with Colonel Theron at Picon Regular.”_

_Surprised, Lee takes another look at her, thinking maybe for a change, she gets what it’s like to have a parent in the military._

_“You move around a lot?” Lee asks._

_“No, after the war she got a post on Aerilon for a while. When I was born, she told me she moved to Caprica so I could get a better education.” Kara shrugs and takes a drink._

_Lee raises an eyebrow and Kara laughs, “I guess you’ve never been to Aerilon.”_

_Grinning together, they pour more ambrosia and the tension he felt at the mention of his father’s name seeps out of him. They’re making their way to the bottom of the bottle as they talk animatedly about the military and Caprica and the C-Bucs’ last season. She’s smart and beautiful and has a wicked mouth that he can’t stop staring at. She catches him a few times and the heat between them flares._

_What started out as a chance meeting is turning into something altogether different. The air is charged between them and half the words she says are lost as he watches her face and body move in the dim light of the bar._

_“So, you got a girlfriend?” He blinks at her boldness._

_He blushes. “Sort of…”_

_“Sort of?” She raises an eyebrow._

_“Well, we’re seeing other people.” It’s the first time he’s said it out loud since the two of them made the decision a couple of days ago._

_“Ha. That’s what they all say,” Kara teases as she leans across the table, her hand dangerously close to his arm._

_Lee feels his blush deepen and he smiles a little. “No, really…”_

_Kara laughs and finishes her drink. “Okay, okay. I believe you.” Kara winks at him. “And that, my friend, means we have all night.” She waves her hand to get the attention of the waiter and orders another bottle of ambrosia._

:: :: ::

As Lee makes his way to the Galactica’s aft conference room, he senses the excitement of the impending decommissioning ceremony. It’s a sharp contrast to the all-business atmosphere of the Atlantia, its efficient officers and crew going about their daily duties. Perspiration collects under his collar as he rounds the last corner before he comes to the designated spot. There is a throng of reporters clustered around the door as he pushes through, seeing his father dressed similarly at the front of the room. His heart beats faster and he swallows against the anxiety. A short man dressed in an teal suit is organizing the photo op and he ushers Lee closer to his father, interrupting the need for an uncomfortable greeting.

Lee stands formally next to his father, nodding in acknowledgment of his father’s curt, “Captain” greeting.

The Old Man shifts closer to Lee as the man in the teal suit instructs and Lee’s irritation grows. He knows this photo will likely be in the paper, the young Captain with the retiring Commander. It’s just the happy family fodder the Fleet loves to market. Lee forces a tight smile as he feels his father’s hand on his shoulder. His eyes dance with spots of red and blue as the echoes of the flashbulbs sit on his retina. When his father finally moves away he is grateful, the worst part of their photo opportunity ended.

The photographers are chattering among themselves when they part again. Lee glances up and it feels like his heart has stopped.

“Lieutenant Thrace. Come in.” His father’s voice is welcoming. Lee’s stare is fixed on Kara and he sees the moment she recognizes that it is him. Her eyes widen in surprise before her entire face hardens and her jaw tightens with a forced smile. She avoids his gaze and looks at the Commander.

“Lieutenant, you know my son, Captain Adama.” Bill’s tone is warm and friendly, a shocking difference from the tight greeting he received just few minutes ago.

“Yes, sir. How are you Captain.” She fires off a taut salute, barely restrained anger beneath the surface. Lee swallows hard and returns the salute. He can’t believe she is here. Serving with his father. His heart is pounding in his chest as everything that happened two years ago comes flooding back.

“Commander,” the PR guide interrupts. “Can we have a few more photos? The three of you first and then the two pilots.” He miles obsequiously and gestures them into place.

His father nods and Kara moves between the two of them, each with their shoulders touching the other. It happens so fast that Lee barely has time to react. He poses awkwardly, forcing a tight smile, pulling every bit of his control to appear unruffled.

When his father steps away, Lee feels sick, envisioning the picture of the two of them, Kara and Lee, posing for the godsdamned press while the weight of their brief time together sits painfully between them. He gives Kara a sidelong glance, feeling chagrined as she smiles wide for the camera. If she’s uncomfortable she doesn’t show it and Lee feels like he’s going to vomit.

When the photo shoot is over, he steps away, his whole body and mind still reeling. _How can she be here?_

Lee stands apart from his father and Kara as they amiably chat, feeling more like an outsider than he ever has. He doesn’t know what Kara has told the Old Man and can’t imagine that his father hasn’t painted a picture of Lee as the recalcitrant and ungrateful son. Anger at the Old Man pushes him through it and he clears his throat, determined to show nothing of what he feels.

“If you’ll excuse me, Commander, Lieutenant.” He nods politely at Kara. “I am expected on the flight deck.” Lee salutes his father and spins on his heel. The room is emptying and Lee joins the throng of reporters as they filter out the narrow hatch.

“Captain,” his father calls behind him. He ignores the entreaty and keeps walking, the shaking in his legs making every step harder than the last. He’s got to get off this frakking ship.

:: :: ::

Lee changes into his flightsuit with trembling fingers. _Kara is here!_ His heart continues its sickly fluttering rhythm and he breathes to calm himself. Two years and he’d never seen her, only heard whispers of her existence through tales of her flying as she broke record after record in the Academy – some of them his. All that time he’d done everything to avoid her and now in his last year of service to the Fleet, he’s face to face with a past he wants to forget. _Needs_ to forget.

He jams his dress grays into his bag and zips his suit, the thick gray-green plastifab offering him protection and purpose. Nodding to the fellow pilots, he moves out of the locker and towards the briefing room. He takes a seat in the back, sliding into an end row behind a group of happy, chattering pilots. He needs this to be over quickly. Flattening his features, he settles his mind into the calm of a bored visitor, disdainful of the process and eager to get off the ship. It’s better to be a jerk than to look weak.

Stinger opens the briefing and reviews the orders for the decommissioning ceremony. The CAG is sharp and efficient, his pockmarked face brooking no unruly conduct in the ranks. His head snaps up as he hears his name, introduced as the son of the Commander, Lee manages a few words of false honor at being chosen to fly his father’s old bird. Like he gives a frak. It’s torture to sit there; the only saving grace is that Kara is absent.

As the other pilots filter out she appears, sauntering into the room as he slides out of his seat.

“Looks like I missed all the fun,” she says, her tone unreadable.

Lee nods and swallows, dipping his head to look at her as she leans against the doorway appraising him. She’s still beautiful, thinner than he remembers, her hair in the same shaggy cut she had in the Academy. Her eyes sparkle with anger.

“Did the pilots kiss your ass to your satisfaction, sir?” Her derisive tone is unmistakable now and he’s trapped as she blocks the hatch with her body.

He notches his head defiantly higher and gives a tight smile instead of an answer. He has no frakking idea what to say as she stands there, defiant and casual all at the same time while he feels brittle and shaken.

“So…how’s the wife and kid?”

Lee blanches, eyes going wide as he is caught in a trap of his own making. Her gaze pins him in place. _How does she know?_

“Your father and I are pals,” she says, as if she’s reading his mind, reminding him of their first night in the bar when she read him so well. “He’s mentioned you. Even gave me a cigar when the big baby announcement came.” She waves her hands mockingly in the air, a false gesture of cheering and gives him a sickly-sweet smile. “I guess I should congratulate you.”

Lee’s heart is being crushed inside his ribcage, the confrontation he’s feared for two years slamming him hard in the chest. His words are stuttered and high, pushed past vocal cords that are tight with anxiety. “Kara…I didn’t—“

She interrupts him. “Save it for someone who gives a frak…Captain.” With an intense glare, she pushes off the doorjamb and fires off a sarcastic salute. “Enjoy your stay on Galactica, sir,” she shoots over her shoulder as she disappears down the corridor. Regret is a lead ball in his gut.

 

  
**PART TWO: KEEPING STARS APART**   


Chaos surrounds him, uniformed soldiers rushing past, and an almost physical buzz in the air as the Fleet moves in response to the cylon attacks. They’ve been trained to fight, readied by those who remember the losses in the first cylon war. Most who stream by probably never thought this would happen again, but it has and it is more horrific than anyone can even believe. They’ve docked at Ragnar Station to take on munitions and supplies…and to hide. The radio-magnetic interference gives them enough cover to catch their collective breath.

After holding it together long enough to ensure the safety of Colonial One and the new President, Lee finds himself wandering through the corridors of Galactica, lost because he’s never spent much time outside the hangar deck of a battlestar. He’s turning slowly in place, unable to speak as the events of the past few hours flood over him. A voice calls his name.

“Oh, my gods, Lee? I thought you were dead.”

Startled, he turns around, his face ashen and drawn. “Kara…” The words grate past his aching throat as he struggles to hold it together. He needs to find a rack and some privacy, but he doesn’t even belong here…everything he’s known is gone and he doesn’t know what to do.

“I’m lost,” he says, feeling stupid and desperate as her eyes grow wide. He staggers a bit, leaning heavily against a bulkhead.

“Lee, what’s going on? You okay?”

He unfurls his fist, and shoves it towards her, revealing the photo he has coiled inside it. She doesn’t take it, just comes over to him and slides an arm around his waist, directing him into an empty utility room where he slumps into a chair.

“I’m sorry,” he says uselessly, just barely registering that he’s moved.

She steps back and closes the hatch. He’s trying to pull it together. He holds his body stiff in the chair, trying to force away the shaking sobs, to keep the feelings from drowning him, but when she touches his shoulder, he can’t stop. The grief comes in thick waves, flooding through his body and he’s doubled over, his face in his hands.

“They’re dead, Kara. The baby, Gianne, everyone…my mother…they’re gone. Oh, gods, why is this happening? Leni…”

Just saying her name sends another burst of shock through his body, more devastating than he’s ever known. Kara leans into him and he feels her arm around his shoulder, strong and firm, but his mind is elsewhere, a thousand images and sensations flashing through it, echoes of giggles and daddy, daddy, daddy, blond curls, his blue eyes staring back at him, tiny fingers holding onto his shirt, the weight of her sleeping body lying on his.

It feels like he’s lost forever in those sharply bright and painful images, tears and sobs coming until his body aches from the spasms of loss. He feels sick, his roiling stomach threatening to overflow, but he swallows it down, fighting for some control -- the last bits of control he has. Dread fills him slowly, the awareness that this is just the beginning of his grief, the sharp edge slicing his skin before the full weight of the blade sinks in to rip out his insides.

He needs to stop his mind from playing the flickering film of the past year and a half, bringing each wave of grief riding another flashing memory of his tiny daughter. Roughly, he wipes his eyes, pushing hard against his sockets as if he can force the tears to stop coming with his fingers. His awareness returns, the coolness of air blowing from an open vent in the ceiling, the hum of Galactica’s engines, the feel of the chair under him, the steady firmness of Kara’s hand gripping his shoulder. With calming breaths, he sniffs and wipes his nose, suddenly uncomfortable.

“Sorry, Kara.” His words still have a strained thin sound to his ears.

She squeezes his shoulder and withdraws her arm. “S’okay.” She sits quietly, but he’s afraid to meet her eyes, not quite knowing how to take her comfort when it seems so out of place and all of the memories of them from before start to trickle into his awareness.

He sniffs again and leans away from her, spreading the distance between them unconsciously. “Thanks,” he says and glances at her, seeing no anger, just her brow furrowed with concern as she looks at him.

As if sensing his need, she leans back in her chair. “You gonna be okay?”

He straightens, wiping more tears from his cheeks, sniffing loudly. He glances at her and nods.

They sit for a few long minutes before she speaks again. “You see your dad yet? He thought you were dead. All of us did.” Her voice is sad, but firm.

At the mention of his father, he snorts, and shakes his head, glad to have some other bit of pain to focus on.

“Go and see him, Lee. He’s your family.”

 _Family._ No, his family is gone. The thickness in his chest threatens to suffocate him again so he focuses instead on his father, the fury between them, the idea that he probably wouldn’t even frakking care about Eleni. With that he snorts louder, feeling the old resentments and anger rising inside him, a relief from the onslaught of grief. He stands suddenly, looking around and towards the door.

“I need to find quarters.” His control is faltering and he needs to be alone.

“Go and see your dad, Lee.” He nods mutely and stares at the floor. Kara stands, too, walking over to the hatch and she spins the wheel. “Lee, I’m sorry about your daughter and your wife.”

Lee regards her fully, looking for a sign of sarcasm or anger, but there is none. Just Kara.

“Thanks, Kara,” he says, the tears welling up again, along with the thought that her compassion is something he does not really deserve.

She smiles faintly, pulls the hatch open and leaves. He stares after her for a long second and then slumps back into the chair, his moment of calm supplanted by the emptiness of the room and the returning rush of emotions.

:: :: ::

When he leaves the utility room, he’s wrung out and numb. He finds someone who can direct him to his father’s quarters and takes hesitant steps towards it, not knowing how he’ll be received, but realizing nonetheless that Kara was right. This is his family now.

With a hard swallow, he announces himself to the guards and they pass him through into the empty outer room. He looks around, seeing the rich accents that his father has added to the space; it’s a home more than quarters on a battlestar. It leaves Lee feeling a little bitter, seeing the hominess of how he has lived – away from his family, embracing this old battlestar more than his own child.

Lee pauses at a table tucked against the portside wall, its red clothed top cluttered with photos of his family. He takes in the photos of his parent’s wedding day, his school portraits, Lee tucked into his mother’s arms… but it’s one tiny photo in an sliver oval frame that startles him. _Eleni._ He touches the edge of the frame, sliding his finger along the rounded edge before pulling it closer. His eyes sting with tears and he remembers the day this was taken. Sharp, poignant memories of her smiling in the park, face smeared with chocolate ice cream. She’d been grinning wide, showing off two little teeth and he’d had to snap the photo. Lee’s lips curve into a sad smile at the memory and the pain begins to dig deep, tightening his gut.

Movement at the hatch draws his attention away from the little girl and he sees his father enter, his face unexpectedly splattered with blood.

“You have a picture of Eleni. Where’d you get it?” There’s no accusation, just a flat-sounding tone.

“Gianne. She sent it to me.”

Lee’s gaze goes back to the photo and his other hand unconsciously moves towards the other photo in his thigh pocket.

“She’s gone, dad.” Lee closes his eyes, willing the tears not to come, sniffing them away because this is his father and he will not be weak.

He’s shocked when the old man pulls him into a rough embrace. His body tenses, as he has no muscle memory of this kind of hug; it’s been so long.

Bill grips him hard. “I know, son.”

Lee feels the tight knot of resistance unfurling and he grips his father back, sinking just a little in his arms. Lee holds it together as well as he can, the hard-forged barriers between them thinner, but ever present. When his father steps back and turns away, Lee sees that his face is also wet with tears.

“Dad…” He doesn’t know what he’s going to say, just needs to connect, but Bill’s lips tighten.

“Just keep moving, son.”

Lee stares for a second, then gives a curt nod, and turns away, oddly comforted by the bit of the familiar distance settling between them as he walks out of the quarters.

:: :: ::

“Pass the word. Captain Adama to the flight deck. Captain Adama to the flight deck.”

Lee can’t move. He hears the page, and again, but he can’t do it. The crush of grief keeps him pinned to his rack, hiding behind the thin gray of the curtain. Inside he can be lost, untethered in the dream-place where is family—his daughter—is still alive. _Out there_ is different. _Out there_ somebody always needs him. _Out there_ he has to pretend like he’s fine and competent and not frakking split down the middle.

Dualla’s voice sounds the same every time, neutral and without judgment and he just lies there. Another minute can’t matter to anyone. Not anyone who matters.

“Captain Adama to the Flight Deck.”

Eleni is gone. He can’t stop saying it in his head. It’s there every waking moment of the day. It’s the sound of her giggling or crying that he thinks he hears when he’s under a bird, or the nightmare he wakes from, sweating as she burns up in front of him. Night after night, no matter how exhausted he is, he can’t save her. He tries over and over again, different scenarios, different dangers, and every frakking time he fails. She always dies and when he wakes up soaked with sweat, she is still dead. There is no escape from it.

He tries to follow his father’s advice, ‘just keep moving’, but it doesn’t always work. Sometimes he needs to escape, hit the head, the gym, the darkness of some empty place off the decks. He’s not his father, never will be and he can’t just keep moving. It’s frakking killing him.

When the condition one claxons ring, Lee takes a gulp of air, finally moving, whipping the curtain back and pushing off the rack. It’s only the threat of more death that motivates him now. _Her_ death. Because if he’s not there, she’ll make some crazy-ass call that puts her in danger and then he’ll have to live with that, too.

With rough motions, he scrubs a hand across his face and grabs his flightsuit, yanking it on with practiced ease. The plastifab is thick and smells of sweat – too much time in his cockpit making the fabric reek. It feels disgusting against his skin, a cloying reminder that his life is not his own anymore. He’s trapped in this war – this reality of death that chokes him. He feels the bile rise into his throat again, hot and rushing, filling his mouth and he spits, just hitting the can. His stomach roils, ejecting the little food he’d managed to choke down an hour ago.

Gritting his teeth against the bitterness, he swallows harder, shaking his head to clear it. _Focus, Lee. Just keep moving._ Still he tries to follow the Old Man’s advice and this time it works as he puts one foot in front of the other, his body shifting into action.

His mind clears as he strides towards the deck, purposeful steps, head back, a total lie now a believable thing.

He steps onto the deck and his eyes do what they always do, they seek her out. She’s bitching at Cally, her arms waving as she complains. It’s been at least sixty hours since she’s slept and the stims she finally choked down are making her even edgier.

She sees him approaching and rounds on him, cocking her head and planting two fists on her hips. Her face is screwed up in disdain. “Well, look who finally decided to show up,” Kara barks at him when he comes through the door.

“Save it,” he barks right back, making for his bird. He feels her eyes on him, senses when she’s moved away. When he glances over, she’s climbing into her cockpit. She doesn’t give him a second look.

:: :: ::

Lee speeds past the Olympic Carrier with Kara flying his wing. It looks empty. As he peers in the windows he thinks he sees movement, a shadow maybe, or maybe a civilian that needs their help. It must be a cylon trick, but what if it’s not? He pulls his ship around again, skimming along her port side, as close as he can get. He’s peering in the windows as he speeds by and then he sees her, a flash of a blond haired woman with a child in her arms.

 _Eleni!!_ His mind screams and he kicks down his speed.

His conscious mind knows it can’t be them. It can’t. His mind is spinning with possibilities when Boomer’s voice sounds in his helmet.

“Apollo. Boomer. Radiological alarm. We have new orders. We are directed to destroy the Olympic Carrier and return to Galactica. Repeat. Destroy the Olympic Carrier.”

Lee feels his gut clench, horrible images of Gianne and Eleni inside that ship, dying in an explosion when he could have saved him. A choking sob is flat against his helmet glass and he flicks off his comm. He struggles to keep his hands steady – this is frakking war and he’s losing it. He’s the CAG and he needs to get it done. He can’t focus, can’t shake the image. His body is shaking, sweat pooling between his shoulder blades, and he struggles to focus on the other pilots’ voices.

“That’s a civilian ship, Lee….” Kara pleads.

“A civilian ship with nukes.” He hears Crashdown’s voice over the comm.

He can’t speak, just pulls his ship around again, needing to be sure. He needs more time. He has to look more closely. What if he can save them? Reverse the horrors, take away the consuming agony he’s suffered. One chance…

Time ticks by and the Olympic Carrier speeds towards Galactica, slowly shifting in space to protect as much of the Fleet as possible.

He shakes his head against the vision of his wife and child. He hasn’t slept in three days – it can’t be real. _Hold it together, Lee. Come on. It’s not them. Come on. Come on…_ He repeats the litany and hears Kara’s voice in his ear.

“Apollo. Starbuck. Do you read? Lee?”

She repeats her hail, but he can’t answer. He’s frozen. _What if…_ He stabs the comm, opening private channel. “Kara?”

“Lee? What’s going on?” Her voice is oddly strained in his ear.

“Kara…They’re in there…I can’t do it. I can’t.” His voice breaks.

“Lee, what are you talking about?”

He doesn’t know. Fantasy and reality are merging. He wants so badly for them to be alive. When he doesn’t answer, he hears Kara on the open channel.

“Boomer. Starbuck. Apollo’s comm is out. I’m firing two warning shots over the bow. Override communications on my authority. Issue a verbal warning.”

He swallows hard, relief and shame a thick mass in his chest. He sees the flares of Kara’s gunfire and hears Boomer’s warning. Starbuck announces, “There’s no change. We’ve gotta move, people. Fire on my mark.”

Lee is silent on the comm. He wants to scream 'Nooooo' and board the ship. He holds his hand still on the stick, his thumb moved away from the fire button. He can’t do it. He hangs back behind Kara, letting her take the lead.

“Mark.” Kara’s voice is strong and sure in his ears.

Lee closes his eyes as the bright flash of explosion floods the space around them. The moment the ship detonates, his mind snaps into sharp clarity. He knows for certain that they were not aboard. As the debris disappears into the blackness, the weight of his failure, his need to defer to another officer, to Kara, creeps into his mind.

Lee’s viper is hauled onto the deck and he feels limp, exhausted by what has happened, by the betrayal of his own mind. He’d lost his judgment, his objectivity, failed to be the leader and the soldier he’d been trained to be. When he finally pulls himself out of the cockpit, he hears Kara’s voice, angry and loud, bitching out the Chief.

“What the frak, Chief? The CAG’s comm can’t frakking go out. Get in that bird and check it.”

She ignores Lee as he steps toward her, and he looks away. She’s so frakking strong and he’s a godsdamned mess. It’s twice now that she’s seen him lose it and some small part of him thinks that he deserves her disdain.

His stomach sours as he approaches Tyrol. “Thanks for taking a look, Chief.” He can’t quite repeat the lie, but isn’t strong enough to deny it either. His shoulders slump a little under the stiff fabric of his flightsuit as he walks off the hangar deck. _Just keep moving…_

:: :: ::

_Caprica City South_

_Kara’s lips are soft and full against his, her tongue darting out to flick him playfully. She laughs between kisses, her deep-throated chuckle sending shivers of anticipation down his spine. They’re walking along the outer perimeter of the base, off balance and drunk, as she darts around him, teasing. Her hands are bold and firm, just like her body as he roughly yanks her against him, her teasing pushing him to a place that demands action. He presses her against a fence, pushing his hips into hers, the fullness of her breasts straining against his chest. She laughs and her eyes glitter with amusement as his fingers trail up the sides of her body._

_The corner of her mouth rises in anticipation and his eyes snap to her tongue darting out to wet her lips. When she threads her arms around his neck, they move at the same time, she pulls and he pushes, crushing their half-open mouths together. He breathes her in as they kiss, arousal sharpening as he rubs himself against her. He feels like they’re devouring each other, lost in sensation, and he has no idea how they’re not going to frak right here in the street. His pulse is pounding in his ears as her hands grip his ass, pulling him even more tightly against her. She’s so frakking sexy and he could come right now if he let himself. He pulls away roughly._

_“We’re almost there. Ten minutes. Gods, ten minutes.” He’s breathless, his lips close to her ear, teasing and flicking between words. He feels her shiver and loosen her grip, her eyes opening to his._

_“Okay…” she says and then she shoves him hard and dashes away. “We can make it in five if we run,” she yells and darts off ahead of him, her laughter trailing out behind her like a ribbon._

_He can’t run…not yet and so he walks deliberately for a few minutes until he calms down. She’s running and stopping and exaggeratedly tapping her foot. She’s delightful in her playfulness and when he’s ready to run he waits for her to get close, to taunt him one last time and then he lunges, catching her around the waist and pulling her against him. She’s laughing so hard that she can barely breathe, her spirited fight dissolving with the soundless guffaws. He releases her with his own laughter and she sits down on the curb, breathing hard._

_“Oh, gods. You’re killing me. I’m not going to have enough energy to do anything by the time we get to your place.”_

_He leans against a post and appraises her. “Is that right? A viper jock with no stamina? You’re a disappointment, Cadet.” He raises and eyebrow and she lunges for one of his legs. He dodges and laughs, extending a hand to pull her up against him. “Maybe you need some incentive….” He kisses her again, hard at first and then more softly, withdrawing his tongue and lightly licking across her lower lip. She’s perfectly still, and he focuses on the moment, drawing it out until she sighs, and raises her hands to his face. “Gods, we have to go,” she manages, her breath hot against his skin._

_Lee brushes hair back and touches their foreheads together, something altogether more intimate than the kiss. “C’mon...”_

_They hold hands the rest of the way, half-jogging, half-walking, eyes flitting off and on each other until Lee pulls his keys out of his pocket._

_He lives in a second floor walk-up, three doors down from a grocery store and a bar. The street is noisy, even at this time of night, but neither really notices as he pushes open the door and they scurry up the steps. He’s one of two apartments on the second floor with a non-descript brown door and a number two in silver lettering._

_Kara’s hands are around his waist as he opens the now unlocked door and flicks on the light. She looks around briefly and her eyes swing back his. “You can give me the tour later…” she says and loops her arms around his neck. He chuckles and dips his head slowly, holding her head between his palms as he kisses her cheeks, her eyelids, her forehead, and her mouth, slowly, luxuriously, as if he has all the time in the worlds._

_Her hands are light on his shoulders now, skimming down his arms and back up to dance along his neck. They kiss for a long time, exploring with their mouths and hands, dipping under clothes and slowly undressing. Lee leads her to his bedroom, lighting a small table lamp that fills the room with a soft light. She’s beautiful as she kneels on the bed in her bra and jeans, her hair tousled and eyes wide open. He’s never wanted anyone more in his life and he just stops for a moment to stare._

_“See something you like, flyboy?” She grins, saucy and confident and his desire notches even higher. She’s wondrous and spectacular and he’s not waiting a second more. He pushes her down and covers her body with his, flooding her mouth with kisses that she returns in full force. They’re equal in their fervor and desire, stripping off the last of their clothes, and pressing flesh against flesh._

_They make love hard and fast, crying out in pleasure as their bodies rise and fall together. When they quiet, they stay tangled, limbs intertwined as they doze, sleeping for a few hours until one of them rouses and they make love again._

_When the morning arrives, they’re nestled loosely together, Lee’s arm draped across Kara’s hips as he slowly wakes. The night’s activities filter back through his mind and he smiles, pressing himself along her body. She pushes back against him and chuckles, her voice roughened with sleep. “As sexy as you are, flyboy, if I don’t hit the head and get some chow, I’m going to get very cranky.” He laughs against her neck and flips the sheet back._

_She pads to the bathroom and he watches her ass appreciatively, his arousal unabated. When she emerges, she’s smiling and looking around. “Your place is too clean. You need a mess to make it look lived in.”_

_“I’m never here, that’s why.” Lee rolls over, putting his arms behind his head casually. “Colonel Hepworth has had me in the engineering lab for a month nonstop.” Lee sighs, watching Kara slip on her underwear and bra. “It’s good to have time off finally. I think they squeezed every single idea out of my head.”_

_“So you do viper design? New birds or upgrades?” she asks and it occurs to him that it’s strange that they know so few details about each other despite having been so intimate._

_As he answers, she’s opening his closet door and rifling around until she finds what she wants, a soft gray button down shirt that she slips on as if she owns it. He doesn’t say anything about it, just keeps talking about vipers, part of his mind registering that it just seems right for her to be here._

_They’re still talking about vipers when Lee gets out of bed and pulls on shorts. He hears her through the bathroom door as he splashes water on his face and takes two painkillers. Last night was amazing, but his head is pounding a little from all the booze._

_He emerges from the bathroom and she’s rummaging around the kitchen, her muscular legs peeking out from under his shirt as she reaches into a cupboard. “You like pancakes?” she asks, opening the refrigerator. “Or maybe not.” She turns around, her lip in a bit of a pout. “You have no food, Lee.”_

_He laughs. “Like I said…working. Why don’t I go to the store. What do you need?”_

_“Mmmmm.” Kara’s eyes light up and she steps towards him. “Pancakes. I really want pancakes…”_

_“You got it.” He kisses her hard and when she starts to kiss back, he pulls away with a laugh. “Food,” he scolds and goes back to the bedroom to get dressed._

_Twenty minutes later, he walks through the door with groceries, three full bags and when she sees him she raises an eyebrow. “Have you ever made pancakes, Lee? You know, mix, water, butter, syrup…what is all this stuff?”_

_He drops the bags on the counter and she looks through them, pulling out chocolate and fruit and cheese and ice cream. He smiles at her expression and shrugs. “I just thought maybe we’d want to stay in all weekend.”_

_She grins wide and slides her arms around his waist. “Pancakes can wait. You deserve a proper thank you.” She kisses him._

_Later, after pancakes and fruit, they sprawl out on the sofa with coffee. He’s amazed at how comfortable he is with her. She’s open and bold and says exactly what’s on her mind._

_“So, this girlfriend of yours…” she starts._

_“Ex-girlfriend…”he corrects._

_“So this recently exed girlfriend…what’s her name?”_

_“Gianne.” He’s wary, but he pushes himself to be as open with her as she is with him._

_“Why’d she dump you?” She feigns an innocent expression._

_“Me? How do you know she dumped me? I mean, she didn’t, but why do you say that?”_

_“Who suggested ‘the break’?” she asks, curling her fingers like quotes around the word._

_Lee thinks about it and wrinkles his face. “She did.”_

_Kara grins triumphantly. “See! She dumped you.”_

_“Okay, so she dumped me, but I’m leaving in two weeks, so what’s the difference?” He shrugs._

_When he glances over, the smile has gone out of Kara’s eyes. She notices him watching her and brightens. He realizes in that moment that he doesn’t really know her, or her past, or what it’s going to mean that he’s leaving. Even to him, two weeks seems suddenly and impossibly short._

:: :: ::

Lee has made his eightieth sweep over the red moon’s surface with no signs of Kara. His fuel gauge reads three-quarters, but the clock marking Kara’s oxygen is ticking down. He tries not to look, just hopes that Kara has an extra tank or that there’s some miracle that’s keeping her alive. The moon’s brightness makes his eyes hurt as he squints to see through the orange haze.

When clock starts to beep, he swallows. His mind tells him it’s too late, but his heart and his gut aren’t ready. He’s lost too frakking much to give up now.

“Apollo. Galactica. You are ordered to return to base. Repeat. Return to base.” Dualla’s voice sounds over the comm.

Lee clicks open a channel to his wingman. “Hot Dog. Apollo. Return to Galactica.” The man responds affirmative and nudges his nose up to shoot out of the moon’s atmosphere.

Twenty minutes later, Lee is still speeding through the thick orange clouds, eyes desperately searching and finding no sign of her.

“Apollo. Galactica. Do you read? Return to base.” It’s Dualla again, her voice more insistent.

Lee doesn’t respond, just guides his ship lower, straining to see the flash of a beacon or something moving – anything. Finding Kara alive is the only thing that he can think of. The threat of her death is so sharp that he can barely breathe and he notches the throttle lower, maintaining just enough speed through the slop to eyeball the ground without the engines cutting out.

“Apollo. Galactica actual.” His father’s voice grates over the comm. “Return to Galactica.”

“Negative actual. I’ve got good visibility and fuel left to burn. I’m going to make another pass through the southern valley.” His voice shakes with the violent rattling of the ship.

“Apollo, return to base. That’s an order.” He hears the muffled sound of his father requesting a scrambled channel. “Lee. It’s over. The Fleet’s been here too long and we need to jump now. Return to Galactica.”

He doesn’t care what his father or the President want and he doesn’t care if he’s putting himself or the Fleet at risk. Lee’s nerves are jangled. “I can’t do it, Dad. I can’t leave her behind. I can’t lose them both. I won’t. If you want to jump, then jump. You can leave me here with her. Apollo out.” He flicks off the comm and continues his search.

Two hours later, he feels the strain on the ship as he makes another pass around the moon. The rattling in the cockpit has long since vibrated his body into numbness, his only awareness the stick in his hand and the rocky terrain below. When Lee’s fuel warning sounds, his stomach drops. He doesn’t know if the Fleet has jumped away and part of him really doesn’t care. No one is left on the search except for him.

He thinks briefly of heading straight into the flat ridge in front of him, failing to pull up, telling himself that it is pilot error and finally ending the struggle. He imagines the end, quick and violent, but then he’d be done. It’s that image that sours his stomach, the one his father might imagine, and he feels instant remorse. After losing Eleni, Lee understands what his father would endure. He loved her so much, and the grief has nearly killed him in a hundred different ways; the thought of putting his father through that grief is too cruel to imagine. With a last long look at the quickly approaching cliffs, he pulls up hard, his brow knitted tight in futile anger. The Gs slam him back into the seat as he bursts through atmosphere and into the emptiness of space.

With wide eyes he sees the Fleet clustered around Galactica, their drives glowing blue and orange in the darkness. _They waited._ He feels a surge of pride and love, as he imagines his father fighting for his safe return. It seems unreasonable, but Lee believes it. Needs to believe it, now that—he closes his eyes tightly. _Not yet._

Galactica gives him checkers green and he heads for the landing bay, his hand tight on the throttle. Now that the search is over, his body is beginning to shut down, a flat tiredness seeping into his arms and legs; he needs to get to his rack.

He makes his final approach and Dualla’s voice crackles in his head. “Apollo. Galactica. One bogey on your tail. Do you have fuel to intercept, Apollo?”

 _Frak._ He straightens in his seat. “Affirmative, Galactica. If it doesn’t take too long.”

Lee swings his nose around and engages the single raider. It maneuvers strangely, dipping and dodging away from his weapons fire. When he finally sees _STARBUCK_ under the curving black wings, he shouts with joy, his body suddenly vibrating with emotion. He’s yelling on the comm and hears the whoops of celebration from the CIC. Some godsdamned way, Kara has managed to hijack a raider from a lifeless poison planet. _My gods, this woman is amazing._ His heart races, exuberant, and his fingers dance on the stick.

Lee follows the raider into the bay, and flies out of the cockpit. Every single person on deck is smiling or laughing or staring in wonder at the slick black of the raider as they pull Kara out of its bulk. It’s a frakking miracle and he breathes it in.

Now, for the first time since he arrived on Galactica, Kara looks at him without rancor. He’s giddy with excitement as he covers her with a blanket, wrinkling his nose at the pungent smell of the raider’s guts covering her skin.

She’s laughing and grinning up at him. “You wanna give me a bath?”

He grins back at her and feels her hand squeezing his arm. He blinks in surprise and smiles wider as the medics take her away on the stretcher.

Kara is alive, and for the first time since he lost Eleni and Gianne, he feels a spark of something other than grief and duty. It’s a feeling that he almost doesn’t recognize, but it’s there, a beacon that pulls him forward. She’s hope for him and he wants it.

:: :: ::

“Racetrack, you are so full of bullshit, I can smell it from here,” Crashdown’s voice is loud, echoing into the corridor as Lee walks past. Since he’s been on Galactica, he’s spent most of his free time alone in his rack or in the gym. Being with people outside of his duties as CAG has been too raw, reminding him of easy times and the things that he's lost.

Now, almost two months after the attacks, he feels the pull of human company and pauses outside the rec room door.

“Well, take a deep whiff, Crash, because you are going down.” Racetrack’s challenging banter makes him smile and he trusts his instincts.

“What in the hell do I smell?” Lee asks, brandishing a grin and stepping towards the triad table.

Both players look over, surprise on their face. “Captain, sir.” They both start to rise.

“At ease. I thought I’d sit in for a hand. Who’s winning?” Crashdown and Racetrack exchange looks and Maggie slides out a chair.

“Crash just lost a pile of cubits and socks because he called bullshit on a triple.” Maggie laughs and swipes up her winnings. “You need me to spot you, Captain?”

Lee nods and she slides some cubits across the table. He counts them and makes a mental note to return them in full, plus interest.

Crashdown deals the next hand and Lee eases back in his chair and takes a breath to relax. “You want some hooch, sir?” Maggie asks, tipping the bottle in his direction.

“No, thanks.” Lee waves her off and examines his cards, focusing on the symbols and trying to ignore the thoughts that are always at the edge of his awareness.

The betting goes around a few times before Lee folds. His hand is crap and he’s pretty sure he’s not going to bluff his way out of it. With a heavy feeling, he realizes that he hasn’t played cards since before the attacks. All those men and women he served with at Caprica Station are dead now. He swallows against those _other_ thoughts, again, giving himself a mental shake. These men and women are now his crew. _Pull it the frak together._

“Captain…Captain Adama?” Lee blinks and looks at Maggie who is staring at him, a concerned expression on her face. “You in for another hand, sir?”

He smiles despite his inner turmoil. “Yeah. Deal me in.” Lee sits forward in his chair, determined to win a round.

Three hands later, Crashdown grumbles. “I suck today. You guys wiped me out. I’m outta here.” He lifts up out of the chair and gathers the one pair of socks and few cubits he’s managed not to lose to Lee and Maggie. “Later!” he says, tipping his head to Lee and then turns to leave.

From behind him he hears Kara. “Wait, don’t tell me the game’s already over?” Her voice is loud and teasing.

“Captain’s wiped me out,” Crash complains from the hatch and Kara comes into view.

“Hey, Kara.” Lee smiles up at her.

She glances at him, “Captain,” and then looks at Maggie.

“You wanna play, Starbuck? I have _all of Crash’s money,_ ” she says, loud enough for the retreating Crash to hear her. “Frak you,” he calls back from the corridor and Maggie smirks happily.

“Yeah, c’mon Kara, there’s room.” Lee stares at her profile for the long moment it takes for her to answer.

“Maybe I’ll sit in a few hands.” Kara pulls out the chair across from Lee and sits, putting her braced leg out to the side.

“How’s the knee?” he asks.

“Hurts like a sonofabitch.” Kara grimaces and settles in her chair. “Let’s get this show on the road.” She pulls cubits out of her pockets and tosses one into the middle.

Racetrack deals and Lee fans his cards out in his hand, glancing at Kara under the veil of his lashes. Her face is knit in concentration. “Give me some of what you’re drinking, Race.” The woman pours and Kara knocks it back. “That oughtta help.”

Lee’s hand is decent, two and two and a shot at a triple or a full, so he raises three cubits. Kara gives him a look. “Don’t get too bold, Captain. You don’t have _that_ many cubits on the table.” She’s talking shit like always and heat of the competition quickens his pulse. She matches his bet and raises again.

Maggie matches the bet, too, and deals two more cards. _Nothing. Frak._ Two on two is not enough to win, but he doesn’t want to leave the game; the cards give him an excuse to look at her.

Kara raises her eyes from her cards to Lee, and her expression snaps him back to the past and the sultry look she’d give him across the table at a bar, or as she unbuttoned her shirt and walked across his bedroom. A shiver runs along his spine and he swallows against a dry throat.

“What do you have, Apollo?” He recognizes the tone, her shifting octave, deeper and headier than he wants to hear in the middle of the day. A lick of nervousness makes him shift in his chair.

“Nothing. I have absolutely nothing.” He wrinkles his brow and tosses the cards onto the table.

Kara smirks at him before leaning forward in her seat. She tosses two cubits on the pile and glances at Racetrack. “You’re up.”

The clink of coin is her answer and she calls. With a grin, Kara lays her cards out on the table. “Triple and a kicker.” She grins wide, winking at Lee.

“Aw, frak.” Maggie tosses her cards on the pile and leans back in her chair with a pout. Kara’s triumphant laughter rings in the room.

Lee smiles and shakes his head. “Nice game, Kara.” She just grins and rustles up the cards.

“Maybe next time, Lee.” He hears his name, _Lee,_ and something inside him shifts. It’s always Captain or Apollo or even dipstick, but never his name. His expression softens and he glances away, his mind moving to that _other_ time again. A moment of pure longing surges through him before he tamps it down hard.

“Pass the word. Lieutenant Thrace to the CIC. Lieutenant Thrace to the CIC.” Gaeta’s voice rings out through the rec room.

Kara raises her eyebrows and scoops up her winnings. “It’s been real, folks.” She shoves the cubits in her pockets and grabs her cane.

:: :: ::

Anticipation thrums through Lee’s veins. All around him, pilots and crew are preparing for the Colonial Day celebration, their laughter ringing through the corridors. There’s a lightness on Galactica that he hasn’t felt before. Colonial Day has always celebrated the victories of the Twelve Colonies, through civil conflict and the first Cylon War, and now he thinks, even at their darkest hours, they’re going to come together to celebrate their small victories. His head ticks higher as he pulls on the jacket of his dress grays. What has been worn in honor of the dead so many times will now honor the living, too.

Music seeps into the corridor as Lee approaches the ballroom on Cloud Nine. The delegates’ chamber has been transformed into a reception hall with a dance floor and a real band. Lee steps in and scans the throng of people swaying to the music. So many happy faces where he’s used to seeing stress and fear and loss.

His eyes find the bar and he moves forward, nodding deferentially to the Scorpian Delegate and his aide. Despite the death of the prisoner, the delegates’ convention appears to have been a success. He approaches the long glass-topped bar, the shelves behind still full of liquor. A smiling bartender greets him and Lee orders, his hand unconsciously tapping along to the music as he waits. The woman pours a drink in front of him and slides it across the smooth surface.

As he turns back towards the dance floor, he sees her. His eyes pop wide and he’s pretty sure his mouth is hanging open as she comes in from the opposite side, her arm linked with Sharon. She’s laughing, gripping the other pilot’s arm as they half-walk half-dance towards the band. He watches, fascinated, as she wriggles her hips, the shimmering blue fabric clinging seductively to her curves. Her laughter rings across the room, arcing over the crowd, bright and charged with life so vivid that he wants to dive inside it. He’s ever drawn to her, his gaze often settling on her when she’s not aware. Tonight, though, it’s different. She wants attention and he can’t stay away.

He takes two long swallows of his drink and moves towards her, threading his way across the room. His eyes are locked onto her and he’s sure he’s just ignored several people who matter. Tonight, he doesn’t care. Approaching Kara makes his skin tingle. They’ve been dancing cautiously around each other since she survived the moon, but they haven’t talked or touched or acknowledged anything from _then_.

She catches his eye as he’s about to come upon the small cluster of pilots on the edge of the dance floor. Kara’s been drinking and her smile is exuberant. “Apollo! Come and have a drink!” She waves him over.

Sharon smiles brightly. “Captain. Great party, right?” Sharon leans close so Lee can hear her. The volume of the music is increasing as the rock number reaches its high point.

“Yeah…great party,” Lee practically shouts back, his eyes mostly on Kara as she goes spinning out onto the dance floor with Crash.

Sharon eyes Lee and moves closer. “She looks beautiful in that dress, doesn’t she?”

She’s shouting in his ear and he leans away before smiling uncomfortably. “Yeah. Beautiful.” It’s impossible to hear anything and he feels like a parrot repeating her words. He takes another drink and they fall silent, watching the antics of the dancers.

The music shifts to something slower and there’s an almost audible group sigh as the dancers filter off the floor. Kara is breathless and smiling when she returns and scoops up her drink, swallowing the rest in two gulps and swiping a hand across her face. “Oh, crap. I need another drink.”

She turns to leave and Sharon plucks the glass out of her hand. “ _I’ll_ get that. Why don’t you two dance?”

Kara seems like she’s about to protest and then shrugs, turning to Lee with a kind of happy dopey expression on her face. It’s fake, but it's a good cover for the discomfort between them.

“Shall we,” he says with mock formality, holding out his arm.

Kara makes a grand sweeping gesture and accepts. “Why thank you, sir.”

He guides her onto the dance floor and she puts her arm hesitantly on his shoulder, looking everywhere except his face.

As the music plays on, their bodies move closer, a shift of her arm, his hand sliding down, their thighs almost touching, as they sway in time with the music. When the song begins to taper off, he feels her start to pull away, but as it shifts again into another slow song, he tightens his grip.

“Don’t go, Kara.” He says in low tones next to her ear.

He feels her hesitation and then she relaxes, sinking a little further into him. His breath quickens and suddenly the energy between them spikes. Their movements flow together, tiny adjustments, the pressure of his thumb on her back, her hand tilting in his. They’ve done this before. His mind goes back to Caprica, to the night in his apartment when she surprised him with music. He hadn’t made her out to be the dancing type, but she was marvelous as they moved together in his bedroom, their sensual dancing leading to much more. Tonight feels the same, each subtle movement met by the other and sudden need overwhelms him. He pulls her closer, his hand grazing the very low back of her dress.

Kara’s hair brushes against his cheek and Lee dips his lips to graze her temple. His entire body and mind are focused on her, a sweet relief from the chaos he usually feels. He’s rotating around her sun again and it feels like home. Her fingers graze along his collar and desire courses through him, hot and familiar, dangerous in its implications. They’ve still got a thousand reasons not to do this, but for now he’s ignoring every single one. This is a night to be happy and he’s going to hold on tight.

Lee lets his eyes close and his mind drifts…their nights in her apartment or his, ignoring the outside world, wrapped together and squeezing every moment they could out of their two weeks together. Sadness and frustration about his impending transfer had simmered between them, but they managed it, making plans for the future and laughing about their craziness. He didn’t care, he had been willing to make those plans; his future had been wide open. Until it wasn’t.

His time with Kara had been perfect and real and he’d left it behind, chasing a notion of himself that he couldn’t uphold.

A surge of guilt hits him hard, causing his step to falter and Kara to move slightly away. His rhythm is off and his mind is flooded with all the things he told himself he wasn’t going to think about. The reasons he left her, gave up everything he wanted for something he was supposed to do. The thin veil of happiness he’d created for this dance is ripped away. He loosens his grip on Kara, guilt about finding any kind of happiness makes him sick to his stomach. His daughter is gone, his wife, his mother, so many of the people that he loved. Bile rises in his throat.

“Kara…” he says, his voice strained. She must see it on his face because her smile fades as she looks at him and steps back, her face wrinkling in confusion.

“I’m sorry. I – I just…” He can’t get the words out, not then and not now. He just sputters, dropping his hands from her waist, struggling to speak.

Kara’s face, contorting in anger at his rejection drives it home; he’s not ready for this. With a choking feeling, he takes the final step back and away from her. He’s less of a man than he ever thought he could be, stranded on an island of grief that he can’t escape. It holds him there, tethered to his losses as he throws a net over the ones he cares about, drawing them into his own pain without regard to their own. He loves Kara. Godsdamn, he loves her and he can’t live a half-life with this bile and loss in his gut.

“I should have never come here.” He turns away, his head down, and leaves her in the middle of the throng of dancers.

The music fades quickly behind him as he strides down the corridor, body taut with the energy of unspent emotion. He holds it together as long as he can, waiting out the raptor, the short ride to Galactica, until he finds his rack, and drops into it, half-uniformed, his jacket tossed onto the table. He yanks the curtain closed and loses control, his deep sobs releasing what he cannot bear to hold any longer.

When morning comes, his eyes are pasted closed and he feels like he didn’t sleep. The night was punctuated with jovial pilots returning from the dance, their hushed laughter piercing the thin curtain, each one a sharp reminder of what he has lost. Rubbing his hands over his eyes, he looks across the room. Kara’s bunk is empty, un-mussed and his stomach feels squeezed and raw.

:: :: ::

Lee hears his father’s voice as he enters the Old Man’s quarters. “Yes, Madame President. I’ll take care of it.” He steps past the wide array of photographs and towards the large wooden desk. Kara is already there, her posture straight, eyes resolutely fixed on the Commander as he enters. Lee’s gaze lingers on her face before facing his father.

The Commander is hanging up the comm, a sour expression on his face. “I’ve just been informed that Tom Zarek is demanding an investigation into the death of Paul Valance.”

Lee blinks and his jaw goes slack for a second. “What?”

Bill frowns deeper. “The President would also like some answers. And frankly so would I.” His father’s tone is hard.

“Explanations?” Kara snaps. “Zarek had him killed, that’s all the explanation we need.” SHe shifts on her feet, staring hard at his father and ignoring his presence altogether.

Bill glares at her. “We have no evidence, Lieutenant. The two of you were on duty. He was your prisoner and now he’s dead.” His voice becomes louder and he leans towards them. “I trusted both of you to handle a simple questioning. What in the hell happened?”

Lee chafes under his father’s gaze. “They came in through the ventilation system, sir.”

“Why did you put him there? Why wasn’t he in Galactica’s brig? He’s dead and the President has a big problem. It makes the military look bad. Makes _me_ look bad. The President does not need these problems.”

“We thought the room was secure, sir.” Kara offers, her earlier snappishness replaced by a tinge of uncertainty.

“Well, obviously it wasn’t.” He stares hard at Kara and then at Lee, his eyes narrowed. “I expected better from both of you. Figure out what happened. Now. Dismissed.” His voice booms and Kara snaps a salute, brushing cleanly past Lee.

“Dad…” Lee starts, suddenly feeling like everything he does these days seems to require explanation.

“You are dismissed, Captain,” his father snaps.

Lee clenches his teeth and salutes before spinning away. Kara is just out the hatch and he jogs a few steps to catch her.

“Kara?” She pauses, but doesn’t slow. “Lieutenant.” Lee booms, his frustration reaching its peak. Kara freezes and turns around with deadly calm.

Lee steps forward. “I need to talk to you.” He glances around the corridor, finds it empty.

“I have an investigation to conduct, sir. If you’ll excuse me.” Her tone is cold and she does not meet his eyes.

“Kara, c’mon…” Fear starts to prick in his throat.

She steps towards him. “What Lee? What?” she challenges. “I don’t have a frakking thing to say to you.” Now her eyes bore into his.

“Damnit, Kara, I’m trying here. Can you give me a frakking chance?” Desperation slides around his words and he sees her nostrils flare in anger.

“A chance to do what, Lee?” she hisses. “To act like you want me and then leave again? I don’t frakking think so.” She spits the final words and turns away.

“Kara!” Desperately, Lee grabs her arm.

She rounds on him, throwing off his hand. Her eyes glitter with unspent anger. “Truth hurts, doesn’t it?”

Lee swallows and steps back, some of his anger draining away. “I didn’t want to, Kara… I just couldn’t.” All the things he intended to say are getting stuck in his throat as she glares at him. “I just can’t stop thinking about them. All the godsdamned time.” He rakes a hand through his hair, the remnants of anger and frustration making him snap at her. “Look, Kara, I’m sorry. I’m frakking sorry, okay?” He shakes his head. He doesn’t know how to get through.

Kara’s expression hardens unexpectedly. “You know what, Lee? Save it. Everyone’s lost family. Everyone is stuck in a godsdamned situation they can't frakking stand, but I don't care anymore. Do you get that? There is nothing here.” She waves her hand between them insistently. “Nothing.”

Her words cut right through him and he’s frozen in place as she whirls around, fists coiled tightly at her sides, and speeds down the corridor and out of sight.

_It’s too frakking late._

:: :: ::

_Caprica Station, Family Quarters_

_“You’re a coward, Lee.” Gianne’s words are sharp, her face harsh in the low light of their bedroom. “You never stand up for yourself. You can’t come in here, almost two years into the marriage and tell me that you made a godsdamned mistake. That’s bullshit.” She jumps off the bed, anger tightening her already stringy and muscled body._

_Lee stares mutely, guilt flooding him. He never wanted it to come to this. He frakking tried. He really had._

_“You should have never married me if I wasn’t what you wanted.”_

_He tries to explain. “Leni deserved two parents, Gi. Two. I did it for her.” The words slice deep and he knows it, but he can’t keep lying._

_“Frak that. Eleni deserves to parents that love each other, not just her. Don’t you get that?” She faces away from him, her shoulders shaking with tears he cannot see._

_“Gi…” He doesn’t know what to do now, hadn’t planned this far in advance. Hadn’t planned to even have this conversation, in fact. He’d expected to just keep going through the motions, doing what he could to avoid it all._

_“Get out, Lee. Get your stuff and get out. I will not live with someone who does not want me.” There’s bite to her words and he thinks she means it. For a split second he is filled with relief before guilt and duty quickly smother it._

_"What about Leni? I’m not leaving her.” His tone is stubborn._

_Gianne doesn’t move or speak, just stares out the window. “Then I’ll go. I can’t do this.” She turns back towards him, her face wet with tears. “I knew this was coming. I knew it. My gut told me two years ago to say ‘no’, that you felt some duty or honor or some crap that pushed you into marrying me.” Her tears start fresh as she’s recalling a memory. “But you were so earnest. Gods, Lee, you convinced me…I thought we had a shot…and not just because of the baby.” She’s sobbing now and his heart is breaking._

_He steps towards her and reaches out a hand. She shifts her body away. “No, Lee. You can’t fix this.” Her eyes narrow with renewed anger. “There are things in this world you can’t fix, Lee. You just can’t.” She shoves past him then and bolts through the door, slamming it hard behind her._

_He stares at the closed door, then looks aimlessly around the room. He has no idea what to do._

:: :: ::

Lee is walking slowly to the deck, his heart weighed down by the events of the last two days.

“Captain Adama!” He recognizes the voice before he turns around.

“Hi, Billy. How are you?” He’s tired and impatient, too many thoughts in his head to deal with the President’s assistant.

“Fine, sir. Captain, the President would like a word with you.”

“Now?” He glances away, clearly communicating the message that he’s busy. It’s rude, but he doesn’t care.

“Yes, sir. If you could come with me.” Billy has the power of the President behind him, so Lee sighs quietly and follows.

Billy leads him to a conference room where the President is waiting. They exchange a few words and the younger man leaves, closing the hatch behind him.

“Captain Adama, thank you for coming.” She smiles efficiently, her manner belying some urgency he can’t identify.

“Of course, Madame President.” Lee smiles deferentially. “What can I do for you?” His skin is practically crawling with the desire to bolt. Years of military training hold him in place.

“Captain...I have a proposal for you.”

:: :: ::

Lee eases the raider up from the deck, wobbling as he tries to get the feel of the strange ship around him. He manages to fly a straight line out through the open hangar bay doors, dipping slightly before he accelerates into open space.

“Take it easy on the throttle, Apollo.”

“What throttle, Starbuck? This thing is all guts and goo.”

“Be nice to my bird, Apollo. She bites.” Starbuck’s all banter and show when others are listening, but he gets her message. She bites too.

“Apollo. Starbuck. Check your heading, bearing 128 carom 92. That big spud, Apollo.”

“Affirmative, Starbuck, bearings confirmed.” Lee maneuvers the viper on the pre-determined trajectory, his heart pounding in his chest. He can’t believe he’s agreed to go to Caprica to get that arrow. And possibly a bullet. Of all the stupid decisions he’s made in his life, this takes the prize.

The ship responds to his movements and he rounds the asteroid, dipping behind the view of the accompanying raptor. He takes a deep breath and flicks on the FTL drive. It hums to life.

Kara’s voice sounds across the line. “Apollo. Why are you engaging your FTL?” He ignores her question and types the first set of coordinates to get to Caprica from memory.

A hundred regrets flash through his mind, everything he’d ever done wrong, failed to do, or couldn’t prevent, they all pile up inside him, making him feel powerless to do anything other than run.

He opens a scrambled channel to the tower. “Kara?”

“Lee. What are you doing?”

“Listen to me, Kara. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I left you two years ago. Sorry about the dance. Everything. I –”

“Lee, wait. What are you doing? We can talk about this.” Her voice is pleading.

His drive is spooled and ready. “Lee!”

“Bye, Kara.”

He turns the FTL key and jumps.

 

  
**PART THREE: I CARRY YOUR HEART**   


The raider cuts smoothly through Caprica’s atmosphere, and he dips through cloud cover towards Caprica City. He knows the way, sees the path he needs to take because he’s done it so many times. His hope for anonymity works and his easy passage makes it clear that the cylons think he’s one of them. For the first time, he has some real hope that he might actually pull this crazy mission off. He’s been so focused on flying the raider that he’s had little time to think of anything else.

Kara’s instructions for flying it couldn’t have prepared him for the highly physical nature of the machine, clearly never designed for a human pilot. His back aches from the strain of the awkward position of his legs as he works the controls. He’d long since gotten used to the smell of the thing, like astringent and sewage that’s already left his lungs and nose feeling raw. It was still hard to get his mind around the fact that this machine had once been alive – a living ship! _Unbelievable._

From the small window of the raider, Caprica City looks no different, the same broad and jagged cityscape that he’d flown over hundreds of times as raptor pilot. As he dips into the spaces between the buildings, he starts to see the differences. Everything is empty and still. Litter blows through the streets, bits of paper and garbage, overturned carts and dropped belongings, the chaotic aftermath of people who were running for their lives to get away from the inevitable nuclear blast.

He spots the museum and settles down in the courtyard, surreal in itself, the once busy landmark empty save his black ship. The sun is bright on his face as he slides out of the machine, his flightsuit slick with its sticky insides. He unzips and pulls his arms out of the sleeves, sighing as the cooler air washes over his skin. Digging into his pack, he readies an injection of anti-radiation meds and stabs himself. He shifts his pack over his shoulders and takes the steps two at a time. The eerie quietness of the landscape more alarming than the knowledge that he’s surrounded by cylons.

His heart is pounding as he walks through the museum, fighting the memories of coming here with Eleni, pushing her stroller around the displays, talking and talking as if she understood his lecture on the history of the Twelve Colonies. Swallowing, he focuses his attention on the signs, following them to the Artemis and Apollo displays. Around him, the floor is littered with debris, shattered statues, broken glass and rubble from the atomic shock wave. He sees the display ahead and his fingers curl, eager to get his hands on the artifact and get the hell out of there.

The arrow is smaller and thinner than he expects, the metal shaft roughened with age and its once sharp point dulled. As he turns to leave the display, he’s suddenly shoved hard into the remaining glass, shattering it, sending shards of glass flying into his face. The pinpricks of small cuts sting as he turns to look behind him. It’s one of the Shelley Godfrey cylons, a thin blond woman nearly five inches taller than he is with murder in her eyes. He pulls his weapon to fire, but before he can aim, she’s knocked it out of his hands.

Once the gun is gone, he uses what he has, swinging his fist hard into her face. She punches him back and the side of his head hits hard against the metal supports of the display, sending a sharp pain shooting down his skull and into his neck. Lee manages another hit to her jaw, landing squarely, and finally she reels backwards, falling into the sharp corner of a display, sending the remnants of a broken Artemis statue crashing to the floor.

In his gut he knows that she’s a machine and he’s got no chance unless he can get his weapon. He’s dazed, but he dodges sideways towards the gun, his pack shifting and bringing him down hard on the ground. His fingers find the butt of his gun and he scrambles to aim, but the cylon is there and she’s so frakking fast that she kicks the weapon away from him and his shot goes wide. Blood pounds in his ears as she stands over him, his body frozen for a long instant as he stares up at her. He hears the sharp cracking sound of his ribs before the pain blossoms on his left side. A few more well-placed kicks to the same spot and he starts to envision a rib puncturing a vital organ. Absently, he thinks that one kick to the head and he’s done.

With a deep groan, he tries to roll away to tuck his injured side beneath him. The cylon, impossibly strong, pulls him along the floor instead, dragging him toward a patch of sunlight streaming in from a gaping hole in the roof. He’s dizzy and disoriented and has never felt more helpless in his life. Her face glows in the sun and he can’t help but to think that she is beautiful, like an angel standing over him, taking him to his death. If he were a religious man, he’d almost believe it. His ribs hurt so much that he can barely breathe, and when he tries to speak, his words are a series of grunts and gasps. To his left, he can see where the floor had given way when ceiling above had crashed through. The bottom of the hole is too deep to see, but he shudders as he envisions his fate, shattered and broken on a mound of sharp concrete.

She kneels down in front of him, putting her face so close to his that he thinks she might kiss him. Her eyes are deep blue, framed with thick lashes and so frakking alive he can’t believe this is a machine.

“Only human,” she snorts, her breath hot in his face. “You should know better than to come back here. Humanity’s children will never let you live.” With those words, she twists her fist into his tanks and drags him to the edge of the chasm.

Lee takes a breath and closes his eyes.

:: :: ::

He wakes to the feeling of something cool on his forehead and blinks against the bright light, wondering for a second if he is dead. The air smells different, though, and the gaping hole in the roof of the museum has been replaced by an ordinary flat ceiling. He struggles to sit up when a voice stops him.

“Hey, man. Take it easy.” He feels a gentle pressure on his right shoulder and lies back down. He focuses first on the greenish-gray of a flightsuit before his eyes reach a familiar face.

“Helo?” Lee can’t believe it and starts to imagine he is dead.

The other man grins. “Captain Lee Adama. What the hell are you doing here?” Helo’s grin is wide and open.

“Being a frakking idiot, that’s what.” He tries to shift position and but the pain on his left is so intense that he almost blacks out. “Oh, gods.”

“Don’t move. You’ve got some broken ribs. I need to get some supplies and then I’ll wrap them.”

Lee finally looks around, taking in the pale pink walls and decorative curtains. “Where are we?” He wants to sit up or move even just a little, but the pain resonates from his sternum through his back.

“In an abandoned apartment near the museum.”

“What happened? I thought I was a goner.” Lee runs his fingers over his face, feeling the crust of what he imagines is dried blood and the rise of bruises along his cheek and jaw.

Helo hesitates, glancing away from Lee before he answers. “I shot her. It was one of the cylons. They’re everywhere, that blond one and a few others. I’ve managed to avoid them, but I don’t know how long I can last.”

“Thanks for saving my ass.” A wave of nausea slides through him and he closes his eyes until his stomach settles. He hears Helo standing and watches through slits in his lids.

“You should probably get more rest. We shouldn’t stay here too long. I’m going to search the other apartments to try to find some medical supplies and edible food. I’ll be back.” The door opens and Lee calls out to him.

“Helo,” he croaks. “The arrow. Where is it?”

“Arrow?” Helo gives him a confused look and Lee rubs his hand hard over his face.

“Frak. I need that arrow.”

“I don’t know what arrow you’re talking about, but the museum is crawling with cylons. You’re outta luck.”

Lee groans and hits his leg with his fist. “Frak frak frak. This is unbelievable. I had my hand on it. It was in my frakking hands.” He drops his head back on the pillow, frustration and anger making his head hurt even worse. Why had he ever agreed to do this?

:: :: ::

_When Lee arrives at Kara’s apartment, the door is ajar. He knocks a few times, his rapping echoing in the hallway. When she doesn’t answer, he steps in, his brow furrowed in concern. “Kara?”_

_“Here,” she finally answers, her voice coming from the bedroom._

_Her place is neater than he expects, a few bottles and cups dot the living room as he steps through and down the hall._

_Knocking lightly on the bedroom door, he pushes it open and sees her sitting on the bed, a large black book open on her lap. When she looks up he can see the splotchy remains of recent tears._

_In two long strides, he’s next to the bed. “What happened? You okay?”_

_She doesn’t stir, just stares at what Lee can now see is a photo album. He waits a beat and then sits by her side, his hand going to her leg and squeezing gently._

_“He never said goodbye.” Her voice is flat._

_“Who?”_

_“My father.”_

_Lee nods and rubs his hand slowly along her leg. She flips the page and points. “That’s me fishing. Well, not real fishing – Delphi Inlet isn’t exactly clean — but he’d take me there and we’d find branches and we’d pretend fish. I think he went there to get away from my mother. I don’t blame him.”_

_Leaning over the page, Lee sees the bright white hair of an eight or nine year old Kara, grinning towards the camera. “He took most of these pictures, so he’s not in them.” Her voice has a sad quality, low and somber with a hint of impending tears. “There’s only this one…” She flips through a few pages and points to a picture of a younger Kara, hair short and wavy, nestled in the arms of a blond haired man, his eyes lit with a smile as he points to the person taking the picture. A cigarette hangs loosely between his fingers and the smoke rises from the tip, contrasting against the leafy green vines behind him._

_Lee sees Kara's eyes filling with tears and he shifts on the bed, sitting beside her to put his arm around her shoulder. She’s stiff at first, resisting until she finally sinks into him. She doesn’t shake or sob like he expects, just sits still and accepts his comfort. He has no idea what has happened and he doesn’t pry._

_They sit for a long time, flipping through the pages of the book until they are chuckling at the terrible hairstyles and clothing of a decade before. Eventually she tosses the book aside, shrugging her shoulders and giving him a small smile. “Nothin’ but the rain, right?”_

_Lee tilts his head, not understanding._

_“I remember when I was a kid, I was scared of storms. I wanted to be brave, but I’d get so scared and run out of my room to find him. He always played the piano at night and I’d sit beside him on the bench, just listening, and it always made me feel better. When he was done, he would always hug me and say, ’Nothin’ but the rain’ and I knew he meant it was no big deal. Just the rain.” She gives a sad smile and laughs through a few more tears._

_He smiles, too, and hugs her tighter._

:: :: ::

The next morning, Helo finds a four-by-four and they head out of the center of Caprica City towards the Fleet’s Caprica Station. Most of Lee’s body hurts; his entire ribcage feels like a side of raw meat and a sharp splitting pain shoots down the back of his head. Sitting is worse than lying down, but he has to keep watch while Helo drives, so he finds the most comfortable position he can and stays there.

They drive unmolested for an hour, creeping slowly through the city, eyes peeled for movement. Lee is surprised at the emptiness of the streets, having assumed that it would be filled with victorious cylons. Turns out, nothing here is exactly like he expected.

After driving silently for a long time, Helo finally speaks. “How’s your father, Lee?”

“Good. He’s tough – holding it together better than any of us.” Unexpectedly, his heart squeezes and Lee misses him. “Probably pissed as hell at me, though.” He laughs. “I didn’t exactly ask permission to come back to Caprica.”

Helo gives Lee a sidelong glance but doesn’t say anything. The landscape flashes by, deserted houses and cars, lawns littered with toys and the remnants of ordinary life frozen in place. It’s all gone now and the ache he’s felt since he arrived grows stronger.

“And how’s Starbuck? Does she miss me?” There’s affection in Helo’s voice.

Lee smiles a little. “Don’t know, Helo. I’m sure she does.” He has no idea, really, since the two of them never talk, but he’s heard they were friends.

“Were you two close?” Lee asks, ignoring the voice in his head that tells him to shut up.

“Yeah. I’ve known her since the Academy.” Helo gives him a sidelong glance and Lee feels his next words coming. “You knew her back then, too, didn’t you?”

Lee sighs. _There it is._ “Yeah, I knew her. She’s a lot different now.”

He can feels Helo's eyes on him as he stares out the window.

“Yeah, she is different. A lot of stuff when down for her after the Academy. After her mother died, she had –”

Lee’s eyes snap to Helo. “Her mother died?”

Helo shakes his head in disbelief. “Haven’t you two talked at all?”

When Lee shakes his head, Helo continues. “Man you have no idea. After her mother died, maybe a month after graduation, she kinda lost it. She was assigned to a sweet post on the Battlestar Excelsior. Commander Cho had heard about her flying, all the broken SIM records and personally requested her. Didn’t last long, though. She ended up in the brig a couple of times for drunk and disorderly and then she punched out some Major and nearly got herself kicked out of the service. She lost her post on the Excelsior and they assigned her to the Flight School on Picon.”

Lee’s mind is spinning with all of the implications. “I remember seeing that on her service record. I wondered how she ended up there. I saw a few disciplinary reports, but nothing about losing her post.”

“Turns out Commander Cho served with her mother on Picon during the first Cylon War. The story is that she convinced the Major not to file charges if Kara would take the post on Picon. She did.”

Some need to confess pushes him and Lee’s voice is heavy when he finally speaks. “I frakked up, Helo. Really and truly frakked up my life.” He hits his head a few times on the window, frustration curling his hands into fists.

“What happened between you two? I knew she met somebody around Colonial Day, but she didn’t say it was you until you showed up on Galactica. She was freaked out, man. I’d never seen her that way.”

“I never expected to see her again.” His tone is flat, defeated.

“She expected to see you… She told me that you were supposed to be on the Atlantia for three months and then you were coming back. That you two had made plans.”

“I never went to the Atlantia.”

“…and then she said you got married and had a kid. I didn’t know it then, but now I remember her getting into all kinds of shit about a year and a half ago. It must have been when the Commander made his announcement about being a grandfather. I’d never connected the two.”

Lee slumps down into the seat farther. “What are the chances, Helo? How in the hell did she end up serving with my _father?_ ”

“Fate, man.” Helo’s voice changes, nostalgic somehow. “Sometimes people get thrown together because that’s how it's meant to be.”

Lee takes a long breath, blowing it out slowly. All of the things she went through…and he wasn’t there. Regret and shame are so sharp that he feels sick and he swallows hard, turning his head away to stare out the window. He’d spent two years perfecting his ability to forget what he had done, to push away all of the consequences with rationalization. _It was only two weeks. Just a fling. It didn’t mean a thing._

He takes a stuttering breath and holds it, keeping tears from coming. He loved her and he should have never left.

:: :: ::

_Lee’s mouth falls open with shock. “Pregnant? Are you sure?” His mind instantly begins to race._

_Gianne stares at him from the other end of the terrace, her blue eyes open wide, arms crossed protectively over her chest. “Yes, I’m sure. I took two tests and the doctor confirmed it. Five weeks pregnant.”_

_He stares at her face, barely comprehending as visions of his future crumble in front of him._

_“Frak,” he curses, turning away from her eyes and grips the railing, staring out over the courtyard, its white on white buildings and greenery blurring together. His heart is pounding fast. “I’m supposed to leave for the Atlantia in four days.”_

_“I know. I’m sorry.” He hears the truth in her voice._

_He rakes his fingers through his hair and down his face, leaving one hand half-covering his mouth. “Gods, Gi, how can this be happening?” He feels lightheaded and frightened, his legs shaking under him._

_“Lords, Lee, don’t make it sound like your worst nightmare.”_

_Lee spins around, seeing tears in her eyes. She’s scared, too. His expression softens and he steps forward, putting his hands on her shoulders. “No, Gianne… I’m not—it’s just a shock.” He pulls her into a hug, staring blankly at the trees across the courtyard. She feels uncomfortably thin and stiff against his body, so different from Kara whose muscled curves fit so perfectly in his arms. He swallows hard._

_Kara…_

_Gianne steps out of his embrace, her eyes imploring. “I never wanted this, Lee. But you know how I feel about abortion. I—“_

_“I know, Gi.” His tone is soft, laced with inevitability._

_“What are we going to do?”_

_“I don’t know.” They stand for a long time, side by side but not touching. He feels his life separating, being cleaved into two parts, the then and the now, and his options are growing thin._

_He’s going to be a father._

:: :: ::

The painkiller kicks in after an hour and Lee manages to sit up straight in the vehicle. His ribs are still aching, but if he stays still, the stabbing sensation goes away. Helo’s been driving for two hours and they’re getting close to Caprica Station. Lee doesn’t quite understand why they haven’t seen any cylons, but he accepts it as a good turn of fate and doesn’t ask questions. As they move off the highway and onto a smaller two-way road, Lee starts to recognize the increasingly flat terrain, and sees the roundabout that marks the official entry into town. The familiar sights make the ache of missing Eleni deeper; he will never have this again.

As they approach the town, they pass the edge of Helios Park, the once green foliage of the trees now looking wilted and sick on stiff brown trunks. As they circle round this northernmost part of the park, he sees the great gate, as they called it, a wrought iron entry way with a bright yellow sun between the words of the name, _Helios Park_. This had been their meeting place, where Gianne would find them after work and they’d all walk to the playground.

Lee’s attention is rapt on the sight of jungle gym and the twisting yellow slide peeking through the sparse trees. The sound of Eleni’s giggling is bright in his memory, her shrieking squeals of delight as he pushed her higher and higher on the swings. With tears in his eyes, Lee tips his head against the edge of the window frame and away from Helo’s view. He keeps himself from sobbing, but he can’t stop the tears. The pain of her loss is almost as sharp as it was in the beginning, in those early days when it felt like chunk of his flesh had been ripped away and a gaping bloody mess left in its absence.

“I used live here,” Lee says as they wind through the town center, its empty streets scattered with debris. “With my wife and my daughter.” He’s not sure why he spoke, felt like it was something he needed to say. Yeah, he loved Kara, but he also loved Eleni. And even Gianne a long time ago.

“I miss them.”

Helo follows the signs towards the Caprica Station Airfield. As their vehicle speeds out of the town proper, Lee feels the widening gap between him and his old home. Panic starts to claw at his chest. He can’t leave them. He’s so close.

“Helo, you have to stop. Go back.” His voice is sharp and ragged and Helo pushes hard on the breaks, instinctively edging their vehicle off to the side of the road.

Helo turns towards him, his fingers tight on the steering wheel. “What is it?” His eyes are concerned.

“I have to go home, Helo. I’m so close.” His voice is pleading, not quite his own. He knows he can’t give the order, can’t risk Helo’s life for his own needs, but hopes he understand. He’s desperate now, aching to touch her things, smell her in the sheets, anything that brings her back to him.

“Okay, man. Okay…” Helo turns the truck around and they head back into town. Excitement flares in Lee’s chest, some ridiculous hope that maybe he’ll find them, maybe they’re surviving somehow. He knows it’s impossible, but he hopes nonetheless.

Lee directs them to the familiar street of cookie-cutter family houses, one after another, marked only by differences in mailboxes and street numbers. “Here,” Lee says and jumps out of the truck before it even stops. He’s a driven man now, an impossible hope burning brightly in his chest. It all looks the same, just like he left it, the screw missing from the bottom of the number on the door, the chipped paint where Eleni’s stroller scraped against the door frame; it’s all there, his old life waiting for him. He types in the entry code and the door lock snicks.

It’s then that he hesitates, heart in his throat when he realizes what he might actually find. He yanks his hand back from the handle and holds it in a fist at his side. _Oh, gods._

He can’t turn back, can’t go in.

“Hey…” he hears Helo’s voice behind him. “You want me to go in? Check things out?” They both know what he means and Lee can only nod.

Helo pushes the door open and Lee looks away. Cool stale air reaches his nose and he shivers.

After a minute, Helo steps back through the door. “It’s empty.” He puts his hand on Lee’s shoulder and squeezes. “I’ll wait in the truck.”

:: :: ::

_Kara is draped over him, her head tucked into his shoulder as he twirls a strand of blonde hair around his finger. She feels so good; her body fits perfectly against his, firm and strong, molding to him like she was meant to be there. He stares blankly at the wall ahead of him, her artwork, bright splashes of black and russet with bits of green, cut into a landscape of trees and twisted roots. It’s painful to see, her expression of what she’s says her childhood was like. She says painting is cathartic, that putting her brush to canvas or a wall or the floor pulls the pain out of her. He almost understands it, connecting her work to the images he’s seen of the burnt out forests of Tauron, their destruction giving way for renewal every few years. She’s lucky she can get it out – spread the pain on the walls and leave it there. His own pain is always shoved away, avoided, despised, pushed so deeply inside him that he thinks it might ignite. It takes everything he has to stay focused sometimes, suppressing the urge to scream, but he does it. He does what he has to – what everyone expects him to do. That’s how he lives._

_It’s this sharp difference, her freedom to be who she is, that compels him the most. She’s a study in self-destruction, but in the end she succeeds. She pushes herself just as hard as he does, it just looks different. She doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks – just says and does what she wants and faces the consequences. She lives life on her own terms and he frakking loves it. Loves her._

_Everything about this night should feel perfect, but it’s not. Everything that he’s tried to shove into this weekend with Kara, a lifetime of passion and love, is about to end._

_As the weak light of dawn seeps through the blinds, he finally gets out of bed, untangling his legs and tucking the blanket around her. He looks away, his throat constricting, thinking of the decision he has already made, that leaving her is something he has to do. He doesn’t want to, but knows he must. With a thick feeling in his chest, he pads to the bathroom down the hall and hits the lights; they flicker on and he squints, as much for the brightness as not wanting to see his own reflection._

_Lee steps over the lip of the tub, the pale green square that he’d insisted on cleaning before they shared a bath. He smiles at the memory as he twists on the water. It sputters, bursting with air and then a steady stream of water that slowly heats. His towel is draped across the top of the stall and he pulls the curtain closed and steps into the spray. The water sluices over his face and down his body, washing the scent of Kara from his skin. He reminds himself that this is the right choice, that he has to be an honorable man, the kind of man his father could never be – a man who does not abandon his children._

_The water grows cold quickly in this old apartment and he twists it off, the icy shock at the end bringing him wide awake and shivering as he dries his skin. The past two weeks have been the best and the worst he’s ever known, laughing and making love to Kara, and then, for the past few days, agonizing over Gianne’s pregnancy. It’s a frakking joke the way the fates have screwed up his life and now it’s go-time. If he doesn’t go now, while she’s asleep, he’s afraid he never will._

_He wraps the towel around his waist and goes back into the bedroom to slip into his clothes. Fully dressed, he crouches next to the bed and looks at her face, lashes fanned out on her cheeks, and he memorizes everything about it to tuck away for later. He touches her cheek and she shifts slightly, a faint smile flickering on her lips before her face settles back into sleep. In that brief second, he wants her to wake, ask him where he’s going, tell him to stay, but he pulls his hand back. She has no idea that he’s leaving, that he’ll be married by the end of the week. He can’t even think about what it will mean that he’s leaving her; it’s something he’s refused to consider. He never meant to hurt her and now it’s too late._

_With a lump in his throat, he leans over and kisses her hair. “I love you,” he whispers, then he straightens, shrugging his flight jacket over his shoulders. With a deep breath, he pulls himself away from anything that might reveal how he really feels, setting his features into the hardness of a determined man. He’s made his decision – or rather it had been made for him when his own father left. He will not repeat that mistake._

_Lee turns his back, walks through the kitchen and up the steps to the door. One last rush of doubt shoots through him, but he turns the handle anyway and walks out. Today is the first day of the rest of his life and he’s going to face it._

:: :: ::

Lee sits in the rocking chair next to Eleni’s crib, his eyes red and puffy. In his hand is one of her toys, a nondescript pale yellow animal that could be a dog or a bear, he never could tell. He’s been crying for a while, sitting frozen in the same position as memories wash over him, one after another of everything she meant to him. She feels so close, as if she would crawl right into the room from the hall, her mother following closely behind as she explored. It makes his heart ache until he thinks it can’t possibly beat against the thickness in his chest. Only sobbing allows it to pound, the release of grief so deep he can hardly imagine it is real. It’s more than he can bear, to sit among her thing, lost in the wonder that was her only home.

He finally forces himself to rise, trailing a finger over her crib and touching everything he can, soft and smooth and fuzzy, the textures of a baby’s room. It all has special meaning, down to the stack of diapers in the corner. They were all hers.

Stepping across the threshold and out of the room, he reaches behind him for the door, pulling it closed and leaning heavily against it. It’s strong against his back, supporting him as he finds the strength to move away. He can’t look back, knows he’ll go in again and maybe never emerge.

He moves instead to the leather sofa and sits, surveying the familiar room, everything neat and tidy, books carefully lined on the shelves. Even as a new mother, Gianne kept things in order, telling him that it soothed her and gave her calm.

And for a long time it was calm. Happy even. And then it started to crumble, the guise of his happiness faltering with the pressures of parenting and the realization that he didn’t love his wife. He kept if from her as best as he could, using work and the military as an excuse to avoid time together. Even now as he thinks about it, guilt weighs heavily on his shoulders. He’d done everything he could for Eleni, but he couldn’t do it for Gianne.

It’s then that hot tears sting his eyes again. All this time he thought he’d come here for Eleni, to touch her life one last time, but he was wrong. He’d actually come for Gianne, for her forgiveness, to face his failure and to somehow make it right. He knows that Eleni was happy, that she’d had everything she could possibly want or need and that her short life was filled with joy. But not for Gi. He’d taken the last year of her life and had filled it with arguments and frustration and eventually the knowledge that their marriage was not going to work.

Lee doubles over, clutching his head in his hands as he grieves for this woman that he tried to make a life with; who he’d abandoned in his heart because he had been in love with someone else. His sobs rip through him, guilt and shame twisting his insides until he is left with a gut full of bile and a raw throat. He wipes his face roughly and lets out a shuddering breath.

“I’m sorry, Gi,” he says to the empty room, the words releasing some long and deeply held secret.

“I’m sorry I didn’t love you enough.”

:: :: ::

Lee is worn out when he emerges from the house, his hands clasped tightly around a small black bag. Helo is snoozing on the front seat when he opens the passenger door.

Helo blinks awake as Lee slides gingerly into the seat. “Thanks, Karl.” He smiles affectionately. “You’re a good man.”

“No problem. I get it. And I’m sorry about your family.”

Nodding, Lee pulls the seat belt around him, clicking it into place. Helo starts the truck and they drive off again towards the airfield. If their luck continues, Lee hopes they will be off Caprica by nightfall.

As they approaches the fenced-in military portion of Caprica Station, Helo drives slowly, their eyes peeled for the flash of silver centurions.

“I’m surprised that there’s no cylon presence here. I don’t see any movement at all.”

They ease the truck as close as they dare, hiding it behind a nearby building, nestled against some trees. It’s not visible from the road and they should be safe until they make a plan. Helo and Lee skirt the front of the truck and survey their position. They’ve got precious little in the way of weapons, just two sidearms and a couple of extra rounds from Lee’s pack.

“There’s a side gate two clicks to the east. It’s not accessible by truck, but I think we should try it. Once we get in there, we can see about getting a bird off the ground. I have some ideas for interrupting the transponder signal on the raptor so we can make it through atmo before they fire on us.”

Plans are ticking away in Lee’s mind, things he’d been working on but never developed when he was in the viper lab. Half of his ideas went into the drawer slated for later examination. Now, he realizes that stealth technology could have helped them a whole lot more than the small uptick in performance he and his crew had managed to eke out of the already powerful viper engines.

“Let’s eat and get moving.” Lee drops his pack on the ground and downs two protein bars and water. They both inject more radiation meds and use a nearby tree as a head.

“Ready?” Lee asks, and when Helo nods, they set off towards the fence with their service weapons drawn.

They move more slowly than Lee would have liked, but he’s stopped taking the painkillers and every motion feels like he's being kicked again. He grits his teeth and continues; he needs to be sharp to make it home alive. As they skirt the perimeter, they can see the nearly empty airfield, a few lone raptors and larger ships dotted along the grass. The base had obviously mobilized at the first sign of trouble.

Thirty minutes later, they find the side entrance and Lee types an access code. The indicator light flashes red and he frowns. He takes a calming breath and tries it again. This time the gate jolts open. He grins at Helo who’s already moving past him to slide through the open gate.

They slide along the buildings and vehicles, keeping a low profile until they reach the last hangar bay. Moving silently inside, they find two raptors.

“You check that one, I’ll take a look over here.” Lee climbs inside the raptor and looks into the cockpit. “Frak.” The avionics system has been pulled and there is a mess of wires dangling from the control panel. Lee turns around and steps off the wing towards Helo’s bird.

“What did you find, Helo?” he calls. “This one’s down.”

“No visible damage, Captain. Looking for the maintenance log to see why she was in here. Don’t want to pull a bird whose engines are about to fail.”

Lee glances around the outside of the raptor and finds the maintenance logs.

“She’s flight ready. Had a stabilizer failure. It’s been replaced.” Relief surges through him as he drops the clipboard and yanks up his flight suit. The throbbing in his ribs eases when he steps up into the bird and finally stows his gear and sits at the ECO station.

During their half-hour trip to the gate, he’d been trying to remember the details of the stealth transponder system the Fleet had considered creating. His designs were effective in the lab, but had never been tested in on birds in flight. The system would allow raptors to stay on modified DRADIS, but be invisible to other military aircraft. The Fleet had been concerned about the threat of accidents and they tabled the plan.

Lee fires up the ECO station and digs down into the software for the comm system. After a few false starts, he thinks he’s remembered the sequence of modifications. The whole re-design, which has been simple in the end, is proving a boon in the field. Lee hadn’t even imagined that it could be employed on the fly. He allows himself a tiny smile.

“All right. That should do it, Helo." He vacates the seat and moves towards the cockpit. "Keep our FTL spooled and ready. I do NOT want to jump from inside the planet’s airspace, but if we get fired on, we’ll have to. Let me know when you’re ready and I’ll give you the coordinates.” Lee silently hopes that the Fleet has not jumped away.

“Apollo.” Helo calls from the ECO station. “I’ve got green across the board. Systems go.”

Lee engages the start-up sequence and feels the engines rumble to life. He checks the gauges and slides his harness into place, clicking it tight. A sharp pain shoots through his side and he gasps. “Frak.” The pain is getting worse and he struggles to breathe. He’s starting to worry that pulling any Gs through atmo are going to drive a rib into his heart.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees movement and adrenaline floods his body, sending his heart racing.

“Helo. We’ve got movement at ten o’clock. Holy frak! It’s Sharon. She’s a cylon!” His voice is strangled, shock rolling in waves through his system. He reacts instantly, his hand moving towards the weapons controls.

“Engaging weapons. Helo.” He hasn’t heard a response from the ECO. “Helo!” Lee booms.

“Apollo. Wait! Weapons hold. Weapons hold. I know her. I know that Sharon.” Helo’s voice is desperate as Lee hears the hatch opening. “She’s pregnant!”

"Helo?! Frak!" Lee tries to turn, but the pain is intense. By the time Lee pulls himself out of the harness and his seat, the other man is out of the ship and running towards Sharon.

“Lieutenant Agathon! Stand aside.” Lee steps out of the raptor and trains his gun on Sharon, his face a mask of rage. “She’s a godsdamned cylon.”

Helo stands in front of Sharon with his arms splayed wide, protecting her with his body. “Apollo, you are not hearing me. She is carrying my child. _My child_.”

Lee stares at him hard, his mind wrapping around the meaning of what the man is saying. With a shout of deep anger, he lowers his weapon. “Fraaaak!”

Stepping away from the pair, he moves back towards the raptor. “I am getting the frak off this planet, Helo. If you want to stay here, fine. But that…thing is not coming with us.” He steps up into the ship.

He sits heavily in the cockpit breathing hard, watching the two of them through narrowed eyes. Sharon is motioning at him as they argue. When Helo steps away and moves towards the raptor, Lee sets his jaw. _He is not letting her on this ship._

“Lee, man, you have to listen to me. You know what it’s like to leave family behind. Yes, she’s a cylon, but she stuck her neck out for me, killed other cylons. She’s going to have my child and I can’t leave her here.”

Lee sits unmoving, struggling to find a way to repay Helo for the time he gave him at his old house. It’s so frakking hard. He just can’t agree to it.

“And there’s one more thing. She says she has the Arrow of Apollo.”

:: :: ::

“Astral Queen. Astral Queen. This is Apollo, requesting permission to come aboard.” Lee’s voice is filled with excitement and relief.

“Apollo. Astral Queen. Permission granted. Starboard 3A is opening at your request. Manual landings. Checkers green, Apollo.” The ship continues to use the standard military protocols despite its previous status as a prison ship. It’s then that Lee notices the emptiness of the space around them. There’s no Galactica, no CAP… something’s happened.

“Copy that Astral Queen. ETA five minutes. Apollo out.” The landing bay doors shift open and Lee guides the raptor inside, touching down with a hard clunk that shakes the ship. He carefully eases the harness off his shoulders, breathing more labored and painful with each movement.

He emerges from the cockpit and checks the cylon’s cuffs. “Sharon, you stay here. I’m autolocking the raptor doors. Stay put,” he warns her, “or you are likely to be shot. Helo, you’re with me.” Lee turns away as Helo kisses her. He’s not sure he’ll ever be able to stomach it.

Helo steps out first, followed by Lee who waits for the raptor door to close, and then types in the lock sequence on the external keypad. Behind him he hears a shout of joy and his heart starts to beat faster.

“Helo! Oh my gods, you motherfrakker. How in the hell did you stay alive?” A smile spreads across Lee's face as he turns just in time to see Kara tackle Helo in a running hug.

“Starbuck!” Helo scoops her up when she reaches him, gives her squeeze and settles her back on the deck again. “I’d still be there if it wasn’t for this guy.” Helo points to Lee over his shoulder as he’s stepping off the wing with his gear.

Lee gives her a lopsided smile and drops the heavy pack. “Hi, Kara.”

She grins back at him, her hand still clutching Helo’s sleeve. “Where’d you find this big lug?” She punches Helo in the arm and he makes an exaggerated wince.

Lee's breath is caught in his throat at the sight of her, eyes sparkling in amazement that they're back alive. He's about to answer when he hears a woman’s voice behind him. “Captain?” He doesn't want to stop looking and his eyes linger before turning towards Laura Roslin.

“Madame President. How are you?” He sees the worry on her face despite a smile, and glances back at Kara, who has moved away from Helo, her pleased expression fading fast.

“We’re doing okay, Captain. A lot has happened since you left.”

“I’m sure.” Lee nods and glances at Kara again. “I have something for you.” He bends gingerly and pulls the long bronze arrow out of his bag and presents it to the President. “The Arrow of Apollo.”

Laura’s eyes dart from the arrow to his and then she hesitantly plucks it out of his hands, seeking its secrets as she runs her fingers along its length. “Thank you, Captain.” She clutches the arrow tightly in her hands and turns to face Kara.

“Captain Thrace, these men have been through hell. Escort them to sickbay, or whatever they call it on this ship.” Lee eyes swing to Kara and he raises an eyebrow about the ‘Captain’.

Kara catches his question and shifts her eyes away, then back, something in her face alarming him. “Kara? What happened?

“Your father…” Kara speaks slowly, her eyes darting to Laura Roslin’s. “Boomer shot him. She’s a cylon.”

Lee gapes at her and swings on Helo who raises two hands. “Not the same Sharon,” he says forcefully, already knowing Lee’s intent. Lee's eyes go back to Kara.

“Kara, how is he? I mean, is he…” The voices in the room become a white noise of rushing sound and Lee’s vision begins to whirl.

Kara’s voice becomes desperate and Lee feels himself going down. “He’s okay, Lee. He’s okay. Medic! Medic! Get a godsdamned medic over here. Frak.” Her voice, close to his face, is the last thing he hears.

:: :: ::

A few hours later, Lee wakes, slightly disoriented as he stares at the fluorescent lights overhead. He’s in a sickbay on the Astral Queen. _His father has been shot._ He’d thought that coming back to the Fleet might bring a celebration for finding the arrow, but terrible things have happened. He needs to know more.

Lifting slightly, he feels a sharpness in his side, a crackling of bone inside his chest as he rights himself. The pain has lessened, but he can tell it’s going to take a while to feel better. He slides a hand along his injured ribs, they’re swollen, and when he looks down, he sees deep purples and blues spreading like morbid flowers where the cylon had kicked him with a sharp boot. He breathes shallowly, avoiding the stabbing pain of deep inhalations as he slides off the table, holding on until the room settles around him.

Slow and smooth breathing brings his dizziness under control and he moves across the room to his pack. The painkillers are there and he takes one with gulps of water. It’s the first time he’s drunk freely since he’d left Galactica. Absently, he wonders if the anti-radiation meds had actually worked or if he’ll be full of stomach cancer soon. He’d drunk the water on Caprica because he’d had no choice. He shoves the thoughts away; it's too late to worry about it now.

“Hey, you’re awake.” Helo steps into the room with a smile on his face.

“Yeah. Sorry about that.” The heat of a blush rises into Lee's cheeks. He'd never fainted before and it’s a sickly and embarrassing experience. “Any news about my dad?”

“No, man, there’s no communication. I guess the Fleet’s been split between Tigh and Roslin. While your dad was in surgery, Tigh declared martial law and Kara and the President jumped away with more than twenty-ships.”

“That’s a third of the Fleet,” Lee says, looking wild-eyed at Helo. “What a frakking disaster.”

Helo’s voice softens. “Kara said that your dad came out of surgery okay, Lee. The old man’s tough. I bet he’s fine.”

Worry claws again at Lee’s chest. He can’t lose his dad; one more loss and Lee thinks he’ll be done. No pilot error this time, just a bullet. It’s dark and awful, but he’ll do it this time.

“Hey, you okay? You look worse than usual.” Helo steps towards him. “Maybe you shouldn’t be up.”

Lee leans against the counter. “I need a shower. I smell worse than I feel.”

“There’s a locker room down the corridor. You need some help?”

“Just get me there, I’ll be okay.”

Helo leads Lee slowly towards the showers, not touching him, but supporting nonetheless.

“Where’s Kara?” Lee feels the need again, the one that pulls him towards her.

“She was here a while ago, but you were out. I think she's worried, Lee.”

Lee gives him a sidelong glance, trying to get his mind around it.

He's deep in thought when they reach the locker room and sits heavily on a bench, sweat beading on his forehead from the exertion of walking.

Helo leans on the bulkhead regarding him for a long moment. “So...what are you gonna do about Kara?”

Lee glances at him and frowns. “I have no idea. I’ve messed up so much. I don’t even know where to begin.” He closes his eyes, imagines her anger and the way his words get tied up in his throat when she’s around.

“You want some advice?” Lee meets his eyes. “Thing with Kara is that you have to just tell her. She uses anger to push everyone away, and if you let her, you’ll be out. Gotta push. Tell her what happened, Lee. You seem like a good guy. I imagine there had to be a good reason that you never came back.”

Lee shakes his head slightly; he has no idea how to talk to her.

“Trust me on this, Lee. She wants to know. She doesn’t say much, but I know her. Just give her a chance to hear you out. Even if she gets pissed, ignore it. Tell her everything.”

:: :: ::

Gingerly, Lee drags the towel across his body, wicking away the moisture of the shower. It helped more than he expected, giving him space to think and washing away the remnants of Caprica. Slowly, he pulls his fatigues out of his pack. It takes forever to get dressed and by the time he’s done, he slumps down on a bench against the chain link fence separating the two halves of the locker room. The painkillers have kicked in, reducing the stabbing pain to a thick ache, but it still hurts.

His eyes are half-closed as he pools the strength he needs to face Kara and the President and Tom Zarek. He doesn’t want to slide back into being the fake soldier, the man who hides his grief and worry for everyone else, but in the end there’s little choice. There’s a division that he helped to create and it’s not something he can live with. Kobol is important, but so is the Fleet and his father. Whatever else caused them to break away, he needs to fix it. So many things he needs to fix.

“I shot her.” Kara’s voice sounds from the edge of the room and Lee blinks his eyes open.

“What?” Lee shifts forward as she walks down the sloped hallway, stopping at the edge of the bench across from him.

“I shot Boomer right after she shot your dad. I didn’t kill her, though. Racetrack got in the way and I had to pull up. Winged her in the shoulder.” Kara’s face is flat, like she’s reciting a dull poem. “I would have killed her, but your father was bleeding and the guards had her on the ground. There was so much blood, Lee.” Her mouth turns down and she stares blankly at the floor between them.

The sudden image of his father bleeding out makes him feel sick. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to do something.” He’s sorry for a lot of things.

“You left again.” It hits hard and his throat constricts. Her graduation, her mother’s death, _them._

“I know…” He looks at her face, hooded hazel eyes just grazing his, wary. “I don’t want to leave anymore, Kara.”

She doesn’t acknowledge him, just crosses to the far side of the room, and pulls a pyramid ball from an open locker. Her face is tight as she bounces it against the side wall, half-turned away from him. He watches her, listens to the angry rhythm.

“I’m sorry about your mom, Kara.” He doesn’t know where to start, but he needs to let her know that he’s aware, knows what he did to her.

“Helo talks too much.” The steady beating of the ball on metal continues; the flick of the muscle in her jaw matches its rhythm.

 _Tell her everything._ The words keep him going.

“A few days before I left you, I got a call from Gianne. She was pregnant. I panicked, Kara. I didn’t know what to do, couldn’t talk to anyone, but I was so afraid of making the same stupid mistakes that my father did, that I didn’t even stop to think about what it would do to me. To you. Gianne.” He shifts on the bench, the pain of his mistakes squeezes his lungs and it’s more than broken ribs that keep him from breathing.

If his words have any effect, it doesn’t show. She’s wound tight, her hands gripping the ball when it comes back to her. “I should have told you. Talked to you – something, but I didn’t. I just ran. I knew if I told you I wouldn’t be able to leave. Those were the best two weeks of my life, Kara. Gods…” Tears are leaking out the corners of his eyes. It feels cathartic to finally tell her – tell someone these secrets that he’s held inside for more than two years.

“I was stupid and naïve. I thought if I married Gi, then everything would work out. I thought I loved her enough. I didn’t, Kara. Couldn’t. Not after you.” He’s overcome with regret, a choking sensation at the base of his throat tightening until he thinks he can’t talk. He swallows hard. _Tell her everything._

His hands are damp from anxiety and he rubs them on his pants. “I thought that being a good father meant making a family. It didn’t. It just meant that I should be there for Eleni as much as I could. It didn’t have to mean giving up other things...giving up what I had with you.” He glances at her, but her face is impassive and he’s not sure she’s even listening. She bounces the pyramid ball against the wall, thwap…thwap…thwap, as he continues.

“It probably doesn’t matter anymore and maybe it’s too late, but I was so frakking wrong." His voice is angry now. "Everything my father said is true. I regret it. Frak. I godsdamn regret marrying her and leaving you and doing it all wrong.” He rubs a hand over his face and stares hard at the floor, the gray concrete morphing into images of those early days when he pretended to be happy about their child, their marriage – all the frakking lies he told himself. “I am so sorry, Kara.” He looks up at her. Her expression hasn’t changed, but the ball has stopped moving, and is now gripped tightly in her fingers.

“I waited, Lee. For three months, I thought you were coming back.” She throws the ball against the bulkhead again, faster and harder, her jaw chewing on the anger.

Lee stands slowly and approaches her from the side, half-expecting her to move away. "I know, Kara. I know. I did the worst thing I could have possibly done. I just left. Your dad did it, I did it. I’m not even sure you should forgive me. I just—”

There’s a thwack as she catches the ball and tilts her head towards him, “My dad left my mother, Lee. Not me. I just got hit with the shrapnel.” Her tone is matter-of-fact, and he looks at the line of her profile. She throws the ball a few more times before she stops and rotates it around in her hands, eyes tracing the red line that wraps around it.

“I found him after you left, Lee. It did something to me. Well, that and my mother kicking it from cancer. I went through my mother’s crap and found a bunch of numbers. Half of them were disconnected, but eventually, I found him.”

“I’m sorry, Kara.” He’s said it so many times that it’s starting to lose its meaning.

“When I found him, I screamed at him, Lee. I screamed until I couldn’t even talk. And the bastard let me. Just sat there smoking that damn cigarette of his and took it. I wanted to frakking punch him.” Kara turns to face him then, spinning the ball lightly in her hands. “But then he talked to me. Told me everything and I understood it. I hated him for so long, but then he made me understand. I forgave him.” Her face softens and she tosses the ball into the air, catching it lightly and tossing it again.

Lee feels hope blossoming in his chest.

“We spent time together on Picon before I shipped off to Galactica. It was good.” Sadness flickers across her face. “I miss him.”

His hands are shoved deep into his pockets as he watches her. “I’m glad you found him, Kara. I should have been there.”

She finally turns her head towards him, one corner of her mouth lifting. “Then I never would have looked for him, Lee. I was so frakking angry at the universe after my mother died.” She looks away. “After you left…” Her eyes swing back to him, anger sparking in them once again. “Nearly lost my rank and my flight status. I hated everyone. But it pushed me to deal with it all. And I did.”

She throws the ball against the wall again, her face serious. She’s still the bravest damn person he’s ever met. At the worst time in her life, she kept going, faced her fear and conquered it. It makes his heart swell with a stupid kind of pride. She’s so godsdamned amazing and he can’t let her go.

He takes one last step towards her. “I love you, Kara.” His eyes are locked onto her face, opening himself up to whatever her answer will be. She catches the ball between both hands and holds hit, eyes staring at the bulkhead. “I don’t know if it’s too late, but I want another chance.” His voice sounds clearer and more determined than he expects. For months, he’s been lost in his grief and shame, hiding behind his mistakes so they could keep him from taking this one risk.

His gaze lingers and then drops away, every nerve poised for her response. With each second that passes, Lee forces himself to stand still and wait.

This time he won’t be the one to leave.

:: :: ::

Lee is curled behind Kara, their bodies pressed together under the makeshift tarp in the woods of Kobol. Small groups of people cluster around flickering fires as the darkness settles over the planet. Up on a ridge, Lee hears laughter and the low chuckle of Karl Agathon with Sharon.

“I don’t understand it, Lee. I don’t know how he can be with her.” Kara’s voice sounds tired and disappointed. “She, it, something like it, shot the Old Man. Doesn’t he know that?”

Lee shakes his head in the darkness. “He loves her. She’s carrying his child. It matters.”

Kara squirms and he knows it makes her uncomfortable to hear him talk about kids. “Hey, come here.” He pulls at her and she rolls over, their faces nearly touching on the rough surface of the pack they’re using as a pillow. Her eyes flash up at him once and then close.

“Kara?”

She nestles up against him, sliding her arms gingerly around his waist. “I can’t compete with them, Lee.” Her words are muffled against his neck and he tips her head back so he can look at her in the dim light.

“You were already in my heart, Kara. I love you. I’ve loved you for so long I can’t even remember when I didn’t.” He kisses her softly. “I will always love Eleni – gods, Kara. I wish you could have met her. You have no idea how many times I wished she was our daughter.” He shivers a little and breathes out a hard sigh. “I can’t even believe I admitted that. I am such a jerk.”

Kara hits him lightly on the shoulder. “You are a jerk, Lee…but I get it.” She dips her head back into the crook of his neck and threads her leg through his. The rumble of thunder sounds in the distance. They lie together for a long time, enjoying each other, and listening to the rain.

Tears spring to Lee’s eyes at her next words. “Tell me about your daughter, Lee.”

He pulls her closer and begins to talk.

_FIN_


End file.
